#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 5

A guinea pig wearing a teal N95 is standing among Autumn leaves

 

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only.  Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because I’m a true patriot

Stranger: What

Me: I’m against respiratory socialism, I’m not sharing the air with anyone who doesn’t put in the work to break chains of transmission like I do

Stranger: What

Me: Pull yourself up by the mask straps, man


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you asking

Stranger: I have a right to ask

Me: For cheer practice, I’ll show you! When I say good guys, you say mask! Good guys

Stranger: Mask

Me: Good guys

Stranger: Mask

Me: When I say assholes, you say ask! Assholes

Stranger: Wait


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I want to become a mime, this is to remind me that mimes don’t talk

Stranger: Well it’s more than not talking, mimes make gesture with their hands and stuff

Me: (makes hand gestures)

Stranger: No, not like that, put your middle fingers down


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you look like an asshole

Me: How did you know what I look like unmasked

Stranger: What

Me: You said I look like an asshole, I totally do, that’s why I put a mask on my face

Stranger: What

Me: Here I have a spare, I’m glad I’m it’s not just me


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Trump wore a bandage over his ear for health reasons in public, so now I’m brave enough to wear a mask!

Stranger: For real

Me: No, it’s because Covid’s not over

Stranger: What

Me: Also I’m woke

Stranger: What

Me: I got pronouns too, I can keep going


Stranger: This is North Carolina, unmask so I can identify you

Me: Only if you take down your pants so I can identity *you*

Stranger: What

Me: I’m not good with faces or names, so that’s how I remember people

Stranger: What

Me: I don’t have all day, you gonna unzip or what


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Knock knock

Stranger: Who’s there

Me: Sawyer

Stranger: Sawyer who

Me: I saw your maskless face & heard you cough, I’m protecting myself since you won’t mask

Stranger: Whatever, why the knock knock joke

Me: Take the hint, knock that shit off


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: We have a foreign exchange student in our home

Stranger: So is it like part of their culture or something

Me: No, it’s just that I’m already committed to one host gig, don’t have the bandwidth to host a disabling & deadly virus too


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Fireworks, they exacerbate my lung disease

Stranger: Sounds like you just hate freedom

Me: Yes, I hate that you have the freedom to be an asshole to people in masks

Stranger: What

Me: I’m declaring my independence from this convo, bye bitch


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, why let Covid control your life

Me: I mask so Covid doesn’t control my life - I stay well, don’t take sick leave or lose money

Stranger: Seek help

Me: Speaking of control, why do you feel a need to control others

Stranger: What

Me: Seek help


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’ve never broken the law, but now that there are mask bans I guess I just wanted to see how it would feel to be a criminal

Stranger: How does it feel

Me: Pretty fucking good actually, I’m gonna knock over a liquor store next, wanna come along


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you wearing that COEXIST t-shirt

Stranger: I believe in peaceful co-existence with all

Me: I love how committed you are, coexisting with viruses & stuff

Stranger: What

Me: Maybe you should get a shirt that says COVEXIST

Stranger: What


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To avoid Covid

Stranger: Speak up, I thought you said Covid

Me: I did

Stranger: Covid is over, & I still can’t hear you LOL

Me: That’s odd, I can hear you just fine through your pants

Stranger: What

Me: I mean, you’re talking out your ass


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To avoid Covid, it could kill me

Stranger: LOL that’s living in fear, you know you have a greater chance of dying in a car wreck than dying from Covid

Me: Do you wear a seat belt when you drive

Stranger: Yes, why

Me: LOL that’s living in fear


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, no one else does

Me: Why you wearing underwear

Stranger: For hygiene

Me: Same reason I mask, would you still wear underwear if no one else did

Stranger: What

Me: We’re done here, you can go now

Stranger: What

Me: Try not to leave any skid marks when you take off


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I fell asleep while my kid was mad at me, then woke up to find she had drawn makeup on my face

Stranger: That’s what happens when you let a preschooler get a hold of magic markers

Me: Actually she’s in her 20s & she’s a tattoo artist


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Nun

Stranger: Nunya business?

Me: No, a nun said to

Stranger: Why

Me: She said to make it a habit

Stranger: What

Me: Science isn’t always black & white, but the data is solid on N95s

Stranger: You didn’t answer me

Me: ok, nunya business LOL


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To avoid pathogens

Stranger: That’s elitist, if you’re too good to breathe the same air as the rest of us

Me: No, I want everyone to breathe clean air & stop spreading pathogens, would you wear an N95 to help?

Stranger: No

Me: That’s elitist


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask in this pub

Me: To stay safe while I pick up takeout

Stranger: You’re missing out on the pub experience

Me: I lived on a farm & saw pigs at the trough every day, same thing

Stranger: What

Me: Enjoy the pub, try not to think about pigs eating slop


Stranger: Hey asshole you wearing a mask

Me: You do you

Stranger: What does that mean

Me: It means go fuck yourself


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: For a reality show

Stranger: You’re in a reality show?

Me: We all are

Stranger: What

Me: The reality is, Covid is a shitshow

Stranger: What

Me: And the show is looking for a new host, by not masking you’re in the running!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they don’t work

Me: Well you must think I’m a fool

Stranger: No, just naive & misguided, you trusted the wrong people

Me: I was gonna say the same thing about you with that fake ass Gucci bag you’re hauling around

Stranger: What

Me: Poser, LOL


Stranger: Hey loser, why you wearing that face diaper

Me: Why *aren’t* you wearing a face diaper

Stranger: I’m no sheep, I don’t need a face diaper

Me: Actually yes you do

Stranger: What

Me: It could come in handy since there’s an awful lot of shit coming out of your mouth


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Freedom of speech

Stranger: What

Me: Since you asked, I’m going to exercise my freedom to give you a speech about Covid, how much time you got

Stranger: None

Me: I can work with that. Here goes: Covid disables & kills, any questions?


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you wearing glasses

Stranger: Low vision

Me: I mask for health reasons too

Stranger: But it covers part of your face, changes how you look, & it’s ugly

Me: Same for your glasses, don’t judge my medical device & I won’t judge yours


Stranger: Hey loser why you wearing a mask

Me: (belches loudly)

Stranger: Nasty

Me: I know, but thanks to my mask no one will see that I did it. That’s why I held it till you walked up to me, so people think it was you LOL

Stranger: What

Me: Stay right there, next one’s a fart


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m in town filming a new show, MTV’s MaskAss

Stranger: What’s it about

Me: It’s a hidden camera show, when someone asks why I’m wearing a mask, I punch them in the nuts and run away

Stranger: What

Me: Which one you love more, left or right


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To keep the attention on my face so you don’t look down at my feet & laugh at my Crocs

Stranger: (looking down & laughing)

Me: I got used to wearing them in prison

Stranger: What

Me: Not only are they comfy, you can use them as weapons 


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Dumpster fire

Stranger: You one of those types who likes to complain

Me: No, there’s a literal dumpster fire just outside the building, the smoke is spewing toxins everywhere

Stranger: How do you know it’s toxic

Me: The dumpster is from Arby’s


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t want to expose myself

Stranger: Everyone else does it

Me: Fine, I’ll expose myself (drops pants)

Stranger: Not like that, unless you breathe out your asshole

Me: I do, you can too if you do yoga

Stranger: What

Me: Everyone else does it


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To avoid Covid

Stranger: Well I choose to expose myself

Me: OH MY GOD SIR DO NOT EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ME

Stranger: What

Me: YOU’RE DISGUSTING, FUCK YOU


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: You know how you order stuff from Temu but it comes way too late & it’s crap quality

Stranger: Yeah is that how you got that mask

Me: No, I was just trying to describe our pandemic response

Stranger: What

Me: Covid isn’t over, we got TEMU’ed


Stranger: You don’t need a mask, you need to trust God, read Proverbs 3:5-6

Me: I trust God but I’m still going to mask

Stranger: Well I’ve had Covid 5 times, no masking & I’m fine

Me: So you enjoy getting it & spreading it

Stranger: No

Me: Well you should read Proverbs 26:11


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because of my dog, he licks his asshole, then tries to lick my face

Stranger: Where’s the dog

Me: Behind you, he’s sniffing & wagging his tail

Stranger: What

Me: He’s the sweetest dog, he really likes you, how ‘bout you let him give you a kiss


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I am royalty, I do not wish to be recognized

Stranger: LOL ok

Me: If you keep this quiet & don’t alert the press I will compensate you

Stranger: Ok

Me: To add the funds, I just need your bank account, credit card, or iTunes gift card info—

Stranger: Fuck you


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m into DIY

Stranger: What

Me: It means do it yourself

Stranger: I know what it means, did you make that mask

Me: No

Stranger: So what exactly are you doing yourself

Me: Lots of things - infection control, public health, human decency…


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you virtue signaling

Me: Sure

Stranger: LOL that’s what I thought

Me: Well while you’re thinking, maybe ponder why you’re so triggered by the sight of a person doing something you perceive as virtuous and what that says about you

Stranger: What


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Relax, it’s just a role-playing thing for my relationship

Stranger: With who

Me: A virus

Stranger: What

Me: I play hard to get

Stranger: What

Me: You should try it, stop letting the virus have its way with you and demand some goddamn respect


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: A cicada flew in my sinuses a few days ago, I can still hear it screaming in my head

Stranger: How long was it there

Me: It’s still there, that’s why I hear it screaming. I’ve grown fond of it & I'm gonna keep it.

Stranger: What

Me: I named it Kevin


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To start conversations

Stranger: About what

Me: Every day, children fall ill from deadly communicable diseases, but for the price of a coffee, you could save lives

Stranger: You want donations

Me: No, I want you to buy a fucking N95 & wear it


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, idiot

Me: Who hurt you

Stranger: What

Me: Who took your power

Stranger: What

Me: Did you see the mall Easter Bunny remove his costume head as a child? Is that it? Are you trying to recreate that trauma?

Stranger: Fuck you

Me: Shh, you’re safe now


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they cause acne

Me: Yeah, that’s the point

Stranger: What

Me: I’ve made a fortune selling pimple popping videos

Stranger: Eww OMG

Me: Seriously, I’m loaded

Stranger: That’s nasty

Me: For reals, my bank account is exploding

Stranger: Oh God stop


Stranger: Hey doofus why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s to remind me I’ve taken a vow of silence

Stranger: But you’re talking

Me: Oh I’m not silent all the time, just when assholes come at me in public

Stranger: What

Stranger: Hey

Stranger: I’m talking to you


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, for Covid?

Me: For fashion

Stranger: LOL what

Me: (scoffs) This $10k designer respirator was all over the runway in Milan this year

Stranger: What

Me: You haven’t heard of facial fashion? LOL ok. Nakedface is for the unstylish & apathetic.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you trust your immune system

Me: No

Stranger: You should, it’s your body’s natural defense

Me: I trusted my skin to protect me from the sun & got burned badly

Stranger: What

Me: It’s like the body’s defenses have limitations or something


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (singing) When you fuck around with SARS

Makes no difference who you are

When you fuck around with SARS

SARS will… fuck… you

Stranger: I got Covid and I’m fine

Me: Like a bolt out of the blue Long Covid will come for you…

Stranger: Ok stop 


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Are you a gambling man?

Stranger: Yeah

Me: Not me, but I wish you the best of luck

Stranger: What

Me: May the odds be ever in your favor


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Gang initiation

Stranger: What

Me: Had to commit a crime to get in, masking in public is against the law now so this seals the deal

Stranger: What gang

Me: The Masked Motherfuckers

Stranger: What

Me: If anyone asks, you didn’t see my mask


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: So I don’t get sick

Stranger: Gotta expose yourself to get immunity

Me: You believe that

Stranger: Yes

Me: So you don’t wash your hands

Stranger: What

Me: Must be inconvenient after you take a shit, but you probably have great E Coli immunity!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m going to see my mom for Mother’s Day

Stranger: Oh are you sick or something

Me: No, it’s just that I look more like my dad the older I get

Stranger: Oh does that confuse her

Me: No, she just she fucking hates him


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I trimmed my nose hair & made a mess of it

Stranger: What

Me: Oh don’t act like you’ve never tried to trim your bangs at home & had to wear a hat because you fucked them up

Stranger: What

Me: My nasal stylist will have to fix it, it’s that bad


Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume1

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume2

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume3

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume4

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