#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 4
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Asphalt
Stranger: What
Me: If you aren’t wearing a mask, it’s your ass and your fault when Covid gets you
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I was inspired by the White House response when they were recently asked about bringing back mask mandates
Stranger: I saw, they said something like ‘we don’t get involved in that’
Me: Yeah, viral transmission… I don’t get involved in that
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (singing) I love you, I love me, I hate C-O-V-I-D,
With a great big mask I’ll be safe for me and you
I think you should wear one too
Stranger: Fuck this
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m trying out a new high-tech diagnostics respirator that can tell me in real time what’s in this indoor setting
Stranger: Well what’s it telling you
Me: That there’s least one asshole in close proximity
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Did you ever read those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books as a kid
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well we’re all in one of those stories now for real
Stranger: What
Me: Except if you fuck it up you don’t get to start over
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It keeps my face warm when I ride my bike
Stranger: You ride a bike in the winter?
Me: Yeah, sold my car to pay hospital bills from when I had Covid. If I get a 2nd mortgage &payment plan for the rest, I’ll have it all paid off in 10 yrs or so
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Viruses can manipulate host behavior. You know how wild animals get rabies, then become aggressive & act against their nature?
Stranger: Yeah
Me: It’s like that with people too. Someone like you could get Covid and become woke.
Stranger: What
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Toilet paper shortage
Stranger: What
Me: Covid is now causing explosive diarrhea. My entire family has it & we’re out of toilet paper. You don’t want to know what my house looks & smells like. As soon as we recover we’re just gonna move out.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Big Pharma *wants* us breathing in viruses, bacteria, fungi, allergens, pollutants, so we stay sick. The sicker we are, the richer they get.
Stranger: What
Me: Follow the money, it’s obvious. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Big Pharma win!!!
Stranger: Why you masking
Me: (Singing) It’s a beautiful day to be masking, it’s a beautiful day to be asking, would you wear one? (Holds out N95) Would you wear one? I have always wanted to mask with a neighbor just like you…
Stranger: Fuck this, I’m outta here
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you’d be prettier if you’d take it off
Me: This is so you’ll see my inner beauty
Stranger: Why should I care about your inner beauty
Me: I dunno, maybe because I’m the only person here who cares if you live or die, but you do you, champ
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Three ghosts visited me to show me the past, the present… & what the future looks like in a world without masking. So awful. You don’t want to know what I saw. I’ve got a spare if you want it.
Stranger: No
Me: Well then BAH HUMBUG to you!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t want Covid, the JN.1 variant makes people shit their pants
Stranger: I’ve already had it so I’m immune
Me: I’m sorry but I stay up to date on the science and there is no evidence of turd immunity
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it’s not required
Me: So I should only wear what’s required
Stranger: Yeah
Me: (takes pants off)
Stranger: What the fuck are you doing
Me: The sign on the door says shoes & shirts are required, doesn’t say anything about pants, LOL
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, just get the vax, it makes Covid a mild cold
Me: Swiss cheese
Stranger: You mean layered approach
Me: I mean I don’t want my blood vessels & organs to look like Swiss cheese after they’re damaged by a virus that initially seems like a mild cold
Coworker: Why you wearing a mask, you know they don’t work 100% of the time, right
Me: Neither do you
Coworker: What
Me: Quit looking at porn and get back to work, Kevin
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Do you watch Ted Lasso?
Stranger: Oh hell yeah I love that show, why
Me: You need you to watch Season 3 Epidode 11 again
Stranger: What
Me: And then I’m gonna need you to sit quietly & think about what you’ve done
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because I don’t believe in re-gifting, it’s rude
Stranger: What
Me: Everyone got new viruses for Christmas at their gatherings & now they’re trying to pass them along to others, that’s just trashy. Leave me out of that shit.
Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask, you stuck in the past? Move on with your life, everyone else has. You’d be so embarrassed if you could see yourself walking around in public looking like that.
Me: That’s funny, I was going to say the same thing to you about your mullet.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m positive
Stranger: For what, flu, COVID, something else?
Me: I’m positive I don’t have time for this shit today & you really & truly should fuck all the way off
Stranger: What
Me: Deuces
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it’s scaring people
Me: I’m sorry you’re all living in fear
Stranger: What
Me: If masks are scary just stay home
Stranger: You can’t expect us to stay home
Me: So talk to a therapist about your fear of masks, take some personal responsibility
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, are you ok
Me: OMG it’s been so long since someone asked if I’m ok… thank you, I didn’t think anybody cared. I’ve been stressed about my relationship with my mother, but thanks to you, I’m ready to open up and talk about it
Stranger: Fuck this
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Religious reasons, my body is a temple
Stranger: You saying my body isn’t
Me: Not all, just curious to know how treating your body like an amusement park for a BSL-3 pathogen is a fitting way to honor the divine that dwells within us all
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Toxic positivity
Stranger: You have a problem with people being happy
Me: No I have a problem with the test positivity rate for that toxic biohazard you unmasked fuckers are spreading everywhere
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Covid causes premature aging
Stranger: LOL what
Me: Look, I’m old. I’m so old, the AARP sends me stick-on address labels, & I actually use them. I’m aging like a motherfucker on my own, so I’m not about to let a virus speed that shit up.
Stranger: Hey idiot why you wearing a mask
Me: (low voice) I’m Batman
Stranger: LOL ok Batman, where’s your mask with the bat ears & all
Me: I’ve changed my disguise
Stranger: To that bullshit? How’s that working out for ya
Me: Great actually, you didn’t know I was Batman
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Tsch
Stranger: What
Me: I take it you’ve never watched Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan, Tsch
Stranger: I don’t understand
Me: TSCH
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m against respiratory socialism
Stranger: What
Me: You people who just want to share the air freely with anyone & everyone make me sick, that’s just un-American & I won’t stand for it
Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask
Me: Allergies
Stranger: What are you allergic to
Me: Assholes who harass me over wearing a mask
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s Immune System Appreciation Day, instead of awareness ribbons, I wear a mask
Stranger: Never heard of it
Me: I made it up
Stranger: You can’t just make shit up like that
Me: Why not, someone made up immune debt, look at how it’s taken off
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a medical device, would you ask someone why they use a wheelchair
Stranger: No, it’d be obvious they’d need it for mobility
Me: So it’s only ok to mask if you think there’s an obvious need
Stranger: Yes
Me: Ok be patient, it will be pretty fucking obvious soon enough
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because Covid isn’t over
Stranger: All our leaders say it is
Me: And did you get that handbag from a guy on a streetcorner who swore it was a real Louis Vuitton & gave you the lowest price he’s allowed to sell it for
Stranger: Yes- wait, what
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, Covid is over
Me: Where’d you hear that
Stranger: The internet, why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s cold AF, masking warms your breath, which tricks the rest of your body into feeling warm
Stranger: Bullshit
Me: Don’t worry, I saw it on the internet
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Public health debt
Stranger: WTF
Me: My thoughts exactly
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Oh… you caught me off guard, give me a minute to make up some bullshit
Stranger: Why would you make up some bullshit, why not just tell me the truth
Me: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
Store Manager: You can drop the mask, Covid is over
Me: How do you know
Store Manager: Literally everyone says so, it must be true
Me: Ok thanks asshole
Store Manager: Why did you call me an asshole
Me: I talked to your staff here & they all said you're an asshole, must be true
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To protect myself from Covid
Stranger: (smugly) Can’t hear you, you should take your mask off
Me: NOPE, HAVE YOU HAD COVID
Stranger: Yeah, 3 times & I’m just fine
Me: NO YOU AREN’T, COVID CAN CAUSE HEARING LOSS, YOU SHOULD GET YOURS CHECKED
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, just get Covid & get on with your life
Me: I have it now, I’m keeping it to myself so I don’t ruin anyone’s Thanksgiving plans
Stranger: Oh
Me: But day after Thanksgiving, you fuckers are fair game! Black Friday is gonna be like the Black Plague!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I think the more important question is why aren’t YOU wearing a mask
Stranger: What makes you think I need to
Me: (pulls out iPhone and plays dueling banjos soundtrack from Deliverance) ‘Cause… you got a purty mouth
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it robs your brain of oxygen
Me: It’s for twerk class Stranger: What Me: It diverts oxygen to my ass, which helps me twerk
Stranger: That makes no sense
Me: Neither does harassing people for protecting themselves from a BSL-3 airborne pathogen
Stranger: (fake coughs upon seeing me masked)
Me: Glad I’m not the only one
Stranger: What
Me: That’s a tuberculosis cough, I’d recognize it anywhere. Thank God I got treatment before mine got that bad.
Stranger: (blank stare)
Me: Good luck with it
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m an organ donor
Stranger: Like a kidney?
Me: No, I’m donating a pipe organ to church
Stranger: LOL I thought you were doing something noble
Me: I am - protecting the church members. People shouldn’t have to be vulnerable to deserve that.
Stranger behind my back: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (puts on sunglasses, turns around slowly to face stranger, breathes loudly like Darth Vader) I… am your father
Stranger: Fuck this
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Rabies
Stranger: LOL no way, humans don’t get rabies
Me: Yeah they do, google it, I’ll wait
Stranger: (googles it) oh snap I thought only dogs got it like in that movie Cujo
Me: (barks loudly)
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m getting into character for a film I’ll be starring in
Stranger: What character are you playing
Me: A survivor of a zombie apocalypse
Stranger: Sounds like a cool sci-fi movie
Me: It’s actually a documentary
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m a product tester
Stranger: So you’re testing the mask
Me: No, I’m testing an herbal supplement that’s supposed to keep me calm & centered when someone harasses me over my mask
Stranger: How’s it working
Me: Not well, go fuck yourself
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m protecting businesses, they’re vital to our economy
Stranger: What
Me: Businesses can be sued for giving people Covid
Stranger: No they can’t
Me: Tell that to Carnival Cruises, they’re busy writing checks after losing a landmark case
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Knock knock
Stranger: Who’s there
Me: Nunya
Stranger: Oh you’re gonna say nunya business
Me: Actually I was going to say nunya folks would be maskless right now if you knew what Covid can do to you over time, I got a spare if you want it
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask in church
Me: Covid is like the Holy Spirit
Stranger: What
Me: It’s everywhere even though we can’t see it, it wants us to let it into our hearts, and it wants us to give our all in its service. As for me and my house, we shall not serve Covid!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask on this flight, they’re not required anymore
Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells. That summer flu makes people shit bloody diarrhea & it’s still going around even though it’s November.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why, it’s not like it’s hurting you
Stranger: Maybe it is
Me: Well developing good communication skills to express your pain is very important, can you show me on this scale how much it hurts? Are you crying like the little bitch at #10?
***
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume3
You can support my work by signing up for a membership to The Guiness Pig Diaries or buying me a coffee.
In good humor and solidarity,
Guiness Pig