#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because it’s easier than walking around with a bucket under my chin

Stranger: What

Me: I have a condition called Hypersalivation. Google it. I’ll wait.

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s the law, this isn’t an open carry state

Stranger: What

Me: My mouth is a dangerous weapon. Once I start talking shit it always gets me in trouble. You might wanna back up for your safety, I got a lot on my mind & I’m ready to let it out.

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Believe it or not, this is the mask I wore to my high school prom… and it still fits!!!

Stranger: What

Me: (showboating) oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah I still got it!!!

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To support the economy

Stranger: How

Me: Companies that make personal protective equipment aren’t selling as many masks these days. They’ve got bills to pay & families to feed so I’m supporting them & reminding others to do so too. It’s our duty.

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Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: In case there are any police in the area, I know I have to go in and talk to them eventually but I’m just not ready

Stranger: What

Me: Hey do you know what aisle they keep the bleach on

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Just got back from a medical mission trip

Stranger: Well thank you for doing the Lord’s work but you don’t have to wear that here

Me: Actually I do, it’s only the Lord’s work if I protect ALL of God’s children from what I was exposed to

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m exercising my 1st Amendment rights. Protest is a form of free speech & I’m protesting the govt’s mishandling of the pandemic. I have a lot to say but they want me to unmask & smile like a moron & pretend everything is ok!

Stranger: What

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Stranger: Take off that mask & smile

Me: I’m not afraid of you

Stranger: What

Me: Smiling evolved from primates. Monkeys & apes would bare teeth to show submission to predators & more dominant peers who would demand it.

Stranger: I’m not a monkey

Me: Nah just a bully or a predator

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s a condition of my parole, there was a tuberculosis outbreak at Central so they released some of us early

Stranger: WTF so they just let a bunch of you go

Me: Nah bro just those of us who tested positive

***

Stranger: Why you still wearing a mask, what are you clinging to

Me: I went through a divorce & this mask is the only thing I got in the settlement. My lawyer had to fight damn hard for it, so I’m not taking it off. If I do my ex might show up & try to take it.

Stranger: WTF

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: You ever watch Scooby Doo

Stranger: Yeah

Me: Well I’m old man Jenkins, and no one is touching this fucking mask, you hear me? This time I WILL get away with it!

Stranger: What

Me: (creepy cartoon villain laugh)

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: For religious reasons

Stranger: What religious reasons

Me: My body is a temple and God dwells within me. I don’t want to give God Covid. He’d be pretty pissed.

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Stranger in public restroom: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you washing your hands

Stranger: I just took a shit and want them to be clean, duh

Me: And I want to breathe clean air, do you know how much aerosolized feces is found in public restrooms

Stranger: (blank stare)

***

Stranger: Hey asshole, why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m trialing the new MaskCam respirator, it’s got a camera in it and I’m live streaming you in my face right now

Stranger: That’s a violation of my privacy

Me: So is you asking me why I’m wearing a mask

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s a status symbol in my country… only the elite wear masks, while lower classes are seen as disposable and are expected to expose themselves to airborne pathogens

Stranger: What country are you from

Me: The United States of America

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Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: Why you wearing that outfit? Did someone tell you it looked good on you? I’m sure they meant well…

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Stranger: Hey woke lefty, why you wearing that mask

Me: I don’t want people to think I’m rude so I’m trying to hide what happens to my face anytime someone mentions Trump. I just can’t stop laughing over him getting indicted again. AGAIN! That shit is hilarious! LOL LOL LOL

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Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask

Me: Shooting a hip hop video in the area, it’s part of our on-set safety protocol

Stranger: Oh cool, what song

Me: Gimme a beat

Stranger: (beatboxes)

Me: Why you gotta judge me for wearing a mask, mind ya damn business or I’ll kick yo ass

***

Stranger: Hey idiot, why you wearing a mask

Me: No autographs

Stranger: What

Me (on cell phone): Erica, tell my damn publicist to call me, the mask isn’t fooling anyone. I need a car out front before paparazzi show up. Oh & move tomorrow’s shoot elsewhere, the people here suck.

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you watch the news? Covid is over.

Me: Don’t YOU watch the news? The govt released classified documents on UFOs & extraterrestrials. Aliens told us years ago that the air on earth is toxic & the only way we can survive is by filtering it.

***

Stranger: Hey asshole, masks scare people

Me: Aw, it’s ok to be scared. When we started masking a few years ago my toddler was confused & cried at first when he saw me masked, but quickly got over it & adapted. Maybe it would help you to have a good cry & let those emotions out?

***

Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: My breath smells so bad. I just had an endoscopy & colonoscopy done. I think they may have cut corners & used the same tube for both. There’s a weird taste in my mouth since then, would you like to smell it and tell me what you think?

***

Stranger: Why you wearing that commie mask

Me: Because I love freedom! So the govt told us to unmask? Hell no, I will not comply! You have no idea how many of our forefathers fought & died for our right to make personal choices like this for ourselves. Resist govt overreach!

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: On the radio they said Covid is blowing up again, so they’re showing up in public daily & giving out cash prizes to people they spot in masks

Stranger: I’d wear one to win money

Me: Well masks are selling out but shhh… here’s a spare

***

Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask, it’s unnatural

Me: So is your hairdo

Stranger: You’re scaring people

Me: So is your hairdo

Stranger: You need professional help

Me: So do you, there’s a Great Clips salon right around the corner and here’s a $3 coupon you can use

***

Stranger: Why the hell are you wearing a mask

Me: There once was an asshole who asked

“Why the hell are you wearing a mask?”

But the masker’s explanation

About self-preservation

Was more than his damaged brain could grasp.

*curtsey*

*middle finger*

***

Stranger: Why you wearing that stupid mask

Me: I have scurvy

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah it’s not just for pirates anymore

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I wanna be rich

Stranger: What

Me: I’m trying to manifest wealth by acting like I’m already wealthy. Did ya know billionaires never stopped masking & other precautions? They know better than to fuck with COVID. Google #DavosSafe. I’ll wait.

***

Stranger in pharmacy: Why you wearing a mask

Me: See the sign near the door saying you agree to be recorded if you enter? They own the footage and can do what they want with it. Like for instance put your face on a billboard for erectile dysfunction medication.

Stranger: What

***

Stranger in grocery store: Dumbass, why you wearing a mask

Me: How rude, I want to speak to your manager

Stranger: I don’t work here

Me: I want a manager, right now

Stranger: WTF

Me: Don’t you dare walk away from me, I’m from corporate and you’re in big trouble

***

Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: My friends got me drunk on my birthday & I woke up with a tattoo on my upper lip. It’s shaped like a moustache & says “I eat ass” in Old English lettering. I’m scared I’m gonna lose my job.

Stranger: What do you do

Me: Youth pastor

***

Stranger: That mask won’t save you

Me: But I will be saved. I’m with the Fellowship of Many Crowns. Coronavirus is the Holy Spirit, sent to judge all. As leader I can’t receive the spirit until I spread the message. You ready to be judged? No? Maybe you should wear a mask too then.

***

Stranger: People need to see you smile but they can’t since you got your mouth covered up with that mask

Me: I’m saving it for marriage, please stop disrespecting my values

***

Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m sensitive to strong smells. Last time I was here I got a whiff of raw seafood & projectile vomited in the lobster tank. It was awful, people were screaming, it was like that movie The Exorcist…

Stranger: Ok stop

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: A dating coach told me to because my facial features don’t align well with mainstream standards for attractiveness. This way people can focus on my personality.

Stranger: Oh

Me: Hey you seem nice, wanna go out sometime

****

Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: Respiratory herpes

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah it’s not just for genitals anymore

***

Stranger: Hey dumbass, what’s with the mask

Me (tearfully): There’s a local child getting bullied by peers for masking. He’s severely ill. Other kids in his situation ask to go to Disney, but he went on the news &asked us all to wear masks so he’s not alone.

Stranger:(blank stare)

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s not a mask, it’s a N100 respirator. It filters viruses, bacteria, smoke, mold…

Stranger (scoffs &rolls eyes): LOL

Me:…and also asbestos

Stranger: Asbestos, wtf that shit can kill you

Me: Right?!!? Like why risk it?

***

Stranger: You dumbasses who wear masks are all the same, you’re going to wear them forever, aren’t ya

Me: Nah Boo just until we outlive those of you who refuse to

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Stranger: Why you wearing a diaper on your face

Me: Why you wearing a diaper on your ass

Stranger: I’m not

Me: Prove it

Stranger: I don’t have to prove anything to you, what I wear is my business and has nothing to do with you

Me: Just like my mask, LOL

***

Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask

Me: You’ve heard of the federal witness protection program, right?

Stranger: Yeah

Me: Well then…you didn’t see me. Neither did anyone else in this grocery store. Nor did the store’s security cameras. This conversation never happened. *Wink*

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I went camping and got a botfly up my nose. They couldn’t get it out in urgent care so I’m seeing a surgeon, but I have to wear a mask till then. If I exhale botfly eggs into the air, other people could inhale them and wind up just like me.

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My doctor put me on Metformin to see if it helps with my Long Covid. She said there might be GI side effects but OMG I cannot stop farting & it’s so foul I wear a mask to block the smell. Speaking of, you might want to step back like right now…

***

Stranger in grocery store: You freaks sure love masks

Me: I’m with Channel 6 News & we’re doing a hidden camera exposé on the harassment of people who mask in public. (Pressing imaginary earpiece) Need camera for an on-the-fly, & can I get a crew member to bring a release form?

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Stranger: You look so stupid wearing a mask. Why do you do it?

Me: I’m actually participating in a behavioral psychology study about violence toward vulnerable adults in public settings. Thank you for your comment, and could you please share your zip code for study purposes?

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?

Me: The Lord appeared to me in a vision & told me to, & the reason why would be revealed at the end. Do you have a relationship with the Lord? I have some time now if you’d like to talk some more, or you can give me your number so I can call you.

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Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: It’s court-ordered, I have anger management issues & got in trouble for biting some people

Stranger: Why did you bite people

Me: They were all up in my business & making fun of my hepatitis. Pray for me, I don’t want to go back to jail.

***

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m participating in a medical study

Stranger: Oh… ok.

You are too dude… you just don’t know it.

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Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask?

Me: Don’t want to get COVID.

Stranger: Healthcare workers don’t even wear them anymore. Until you see someone in scrubs wearing a mask, you don’t need to worry.

Me: (while shopping on my phone) Mmmkay, got it. Thanks.

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Stranger: Covid is over

Me: So I’ve heard

Stranger: So why you wearing a mask

Me: Tuberculosis

Stranger: (Long pause, steps back): Well you shouldn’t be in public exposing others

Me: My mask protects you. Besides, tuberculosis is only a Biosafety Level-3 airborne pathogen, just like Covid.

Stranger: (Blank stare)