#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 5
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because I’m a true patriot
Stranger: What
Me: I’m against respiratory socialism, I’m not sharing the air with anyone who doesn’t put in the work to break chains of transmission like I do
Stranger: What
Me: Pull yourself up by the mask straps, man
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you asking
Stranger: I have a right to ask
Me: For cheer practice, I’ll show you! When I say good guys, you say mask! Good guys
Stranger: Mask
Me: Good guys
Stranger: Mask
Me: When I say assholes, you say ask! Assholes
Stranger: Wait
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I want to become a mime, this is to remind me that mimes don’t talk
Stranger: Well it’s more than not talking, mimes make gesture with their hands and stuff
Me: (makes hand gestures)
Stranger: No, not like that, put your middle fingers down
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you look like an asshole
Me: How did you know what I look like unmasked
Stranger: What
Me: You said I look like an asshole, I totally do, that’s why I put a mask on my face
Stranger: What
Me: Here I have a spare, I’m glad I’m it’s not just me
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Trump wore a bandage over his ear for health reasons in public, so now I’m brave enough to wear a mask!
Stranger: For real
Me: No, it’s because Covid’s not over
Stranger: What
Me: Also I’m woke
Stranger: What
Me: I got pronouns too, I can keep going
Stranger: This is North Carolina, unmask so I can identify you
Me: Only if you take down your pants so I can identity *you*
Stranger: What
Me: I’m not good with faces or names, so that’s how I remember people
Stranger: What
Me: I don’t have all day, you gonna unzip or what
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Knock knock
Stranger: Who’s there
Me: Sawyer
Stranger: Sawyer who
Me: I saw your maskless face & heard you cough, I’m protecting myself since you won’t mask
Stranger: Whatever, why the knock knock joke
Me: Take the hint, knock that shit off
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: We have a foreign exchange student in our home
Stranger: So is it like part of their culture or something
Me: No, it’s just that I’m already committed to one host gig, don’t have the bandwidth to host a disabling & deadly virus too
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Fireworks, they exacerbate my lung disease
Stranger: Sounds like you just hate freedom
Me: Yes, I hate that you have the freedom to be an asshole to people in masks
Stranger: What
Me: I’m declaring my independence from this convo, bye bitch
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, why let Covid control your life
Me: I mask so Covid doesn’t control my life - I stay well, don’t take sick leave or lose money
Stranger: Seek help
Me: Speaking of control, why do you feel a need to control others
Stranger: What
Me: Seek help
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’ve never broken the law, but now that there are mask bans I guess I just wanted to see how it would feel to be a criminal
Stranger: How does it feel
Me: Pretty fucking good actually, I’m gonna knock over a liquor store next, wanna come along
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you wearing that COEXIST t-shirt
Stranger: I believe in peaceful co-existence with all
Me: I love how committed you are, coexisting with viruses & stuff
Stranger: What
Me: Maybe you should get a shirt that says COVEXIST
Stranger: What
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To avoid Covid
Stranger: Speak up, I thought you said Covid
Me: I did
Stranger: Covid is over, & I still can’t hear you LOL
Me: That’s odd, I can hear you just fine through your pants
Stranger: What
Me: I mean, you’re talking out your ass
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To avoid Covid, it could kill me
Stranger: LOL that’s living in fear, you know you have a greater chance of dying in a car wreck than dying from Covid
Me: Do you wear a seat belt when you drive
Stranger: Yes, why
Me: LOL that’s living in fear
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, no one else does
Me: Why you wearing underwear
Stranger: For hygiene
Me: Same reason I mask, would you still wear underwear if no one else did
Stranger: What
Me: We’re done here, you can go now
Stranger: What
Me: Try not to leave any skid marks when you take off
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I fell asleep while my kid was mad at me, then woke up to find she had drawn makeup on my face
Stranger: That’s what happens when you let a preschooler get a hold of magic markers
Me: Actually she’s in her 20s & she’s a tattoo artist
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Nun
Stranger: Nunya business?
Me: No, a nun said to
Stranger: Why
Me: She said to make it a habit
Stranger: What
Me: Science isn’t always black & white, but the data is solid on N95s
Stranger: You didn’t answer me
Me: ok, nunya business LOL
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To avoid pathogens
Stranger: That’s elitist, if you’re too good to breathe the same air as the rest of us
Me: No, I want everyone to breathe clean air & stop spreading pathogens, would you wear an N95 to help?
Stranger: No
Me: That’s elitist
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask in this pub
Me: To stay safe while I pick up takeout
Stranger: You’re missing out on the pub experience
Me: I lived on a farm & saw pigs at the trough every day, same thing
Stranger: What
Me: Enjoy the pub, try not to think about pigs eating slop
Stranger: Hey asshole you wearing a mask
Me: You do you
Stranger: What does that mean
Me: It means go fuck yourself
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: For a reality show
Stranger: You’re in a reality show?
Me: We all are
Stranger: What
Me: The reality is, Covid is a shitshow
Stranger: What
Me: And the show is looking for a new host, by not masking you’re in the running!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they don’t work
Me: Well you must think I’m a fool
Stranger: No, just naive & misguided, you trusted the wrong people
Me: I was gonna say the same thing about you with that fake ass Gucci bag you’re hauling around
Stranger: What
Me: Poser, LOL
Stranger: Hey loser, why you wearing that face diaper
Me: Why *aren’t* you wearing a face diaper
Stranger: I’m no sheep, I don’t need a face diaper
Me: Actually yes you do
Stranger: What
Me: It could come in handy since there’s an awful lot of shit coming out of your mouth
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Freedom of speech
Stranger: What
Me: Since you asked, I’m going to exercise my freedom to give you a speech about Covid, how much time you got
Stranger: None
Me: I can work with that. Here goes: Covid disables & kills, any questions?
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you wearing glasses
Stranger: Low vision
Me: I mask for health reasons too
Stranger: But it covers part of your face, changes how you look, & it’s ugly
Me: Same for your glasses, don’t judge my medical device & I won’t judge yours
Stranger: Hey loser why you wearing a mask
Me: (belches loudly)
Stranger: Nasty
Me: I know, but thanks to my mask no one will see that I did it. That’s why I held it till you walked up to me, so people think it was you LOL
Stranger: What
Me: Stay right there, next one’s a fart
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m in town filming a new show, MTV’s MaskAss
Stranger: What’s it about
Me: It’s a hidden camera show, when someone asks why I’m wearing a mask, I punch them in the nuts and run away
Stranger: What
Me: Which one you love more, left or right
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To keep the attention on my face so you don’t look down at my feet & laugh at my Crocs
Stranger: (looking down & laughing)
Me: I got used to wearing them in prison
Stranger: What
Me: Not only are they comfy, you can use them as weapons
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Dumpster fire
Stranger: You one of those types who likes to complain
Me: No, there’s a literal dumpster fire just outside the building, the smoke is spewing toxins everywhere
Stranger: How do you know it’s toxic
Me: The dumpster is from Arby’s
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t want to expose myself
Stranger: Everyone else does it
Me: Fine, I’ll expose myself (drops pants)
Stranger: Not like that, unless you breathe out your asshole
Me: I do, you can too if you do yoga
Stranger: What
Me: Everyone else does it
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To avoid Covid
Stranger: Well I choose to expose myself
Me: OH MY GOD SIR DO NOT EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ME
Stranger: What
Me: YOU’RE DISGUSTING, FUCK YOU
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: You know how you order stuff from Temu but it comes way too late & it’s crap quality
Stranger: Yeah is that how you got that mask
Me: No, I was just trying to describe our pandemic response
Stranger: What
Me: Covid isn’t over, we got TEMU’ed
Stranger: You don’t need a mask, you need to trust God, read Proverbs 3:5-6
Me: I trust God but I’m still going to mask
Stranger: Well I’ve had Covid 5 times, no masking & I’m fine
Me: So you enjoy getting it & spreading it
Stranger: No
Me: Well you should read Proverbs 26:11
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because of my dog, he licks his asshole, then tries to lick my face
Stranger: Where’s the dog
Me: Behind you, he’s sniffing & wagging his tail
Stranger: What
Me: He’s the sweetest dog, he really likes you, how ‘bout you let him give you a kiss
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I am royalty, I do not wish to be recognized
Stranger: LOL ok
Me: If you keep this quiet & don’t alert the press I will compensate you
Stranger: Ok
Me: To add the funds, I just need your bank account, credit card, or iTunes gift card info—
Stranger: Fuck you
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m into DIY
Stranger: What
Me: It means do it yourself
Stranger: I know what it means, did you make that mask
Me: No
Stranger: So what exactly are you doing yourself
Me: Lots of things - infection control, public health, human decency…
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you virtue signaling
Me: Sure
Stranger: LOL that’s what I thought
Me: Well while you’re thinking, maybe ponder why you’re so triggered by the sight of a person doing something you perceive as virtuous and what that says about you
Stranger: What
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Relax, it’s just a role-playing thing for my relationship
Stranger: With who
Me: A virus
Stranger: What
Me: I play hard to get
Stranger: What
Me: You should try it, stop letting the virus have its way with you and demand some goddamn respect
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: A cicada flew in my sinuses a few days ago, I can still hear it screaming in my head
Stranger: How long was it there
Me: It’s still there, that’s why I hear it screaming. I’ve grown fond of it & I'm gonna keep it.
Stranger: What
Me: I named it Kevin
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To start conversations
Stranger: About what
Me: Every day, children fall ill from deadly communicable diseases, but for the price of a coffee, you could save lives
Stranger: You want donations
Me: No, I want you to buy a fucking N95 & wear it
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, idiot
Me: Who hurt you
Stranger: What
Me: Who took your power
Stranger: What
Me: Did you see the mall Easter Bunny remove his costume head as a child? Is that it? Are you trying to recreate that trauma?
Stranger: Fuck you
Me: Shh, you’re safe now
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they cause acne
Me: Yeah, that’s the point
Stranger: What
Me: I’ve made a fortune selling pimple popping videos
Stranger: Eww OMG
Me: Seriously, I’m loaded
Stranger: That’s nasty
Me: For reals, my bank account is exploding
Stranger: Oh God stop
Stranger: Hey doofus why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s to remind me I’ve taken a vow of silence
Stranger: But you’re talking
Me: Oh I’m not silent all the time, just when assholes come at me in public
Stranger: What
Stranger: Hey
Stranger: I’m talking to you
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, for Covid?
Me: For fashion
Stranger: LOL what
Me: (scoffs) This $10k designer respirator was all over the runway in Milan this year
Stranger: What
Me: You haven’t heard of facial fashion? LOL ok. Nakedface is for the unstylish & apathetic.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you trust your immune system
Me: No
Stranger: You should, it’s your body’s natural defense
Me: I trusted my skin to protect me from the sun & got burned badly
Stranger: What
Me: It’s like the body’s defenses have limitations or something
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (singing) When you fuck around with SARS
Makes no difference who you are
When you fuck around with SARS
SARS will… fuck… you
Stranger: I got Covid and I’m fine
Me: Like a bolt out of the blue Long Covid will come for you…
Stranger: Ok stop
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Are you a gambling man?
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Not me, but I wish you the best of luck
Stranger: What
Me: May the odds be ever in your favor
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Gang initiation
Stranger: What
Me: Had to commit a crime to get in, masking in public is against the law now so this seals the deal
Stranger: What gang
Me: The Masked Motherfuckers
Stranger: What
Me: If anyone asks, you didn’t see my mask
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: So I don’t get sick
Stranger: Gotta expose yourself to get immunity
Me: You believe that
Stranger: Yes
Me: So you don’t wash your hands
Stranger: What
Me: Must be inconvenient after you take a shit, but you probably have great E Coli immunity!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m going to see my mom for Mother’s Day
Stranger: Oh are you sick or something
Me: No, it’s just that I look more like my dad the older I get
Stranger: Oh does that confuse her
Me: No, she just she fucking hates him
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I trimmed my nose hair & made a mess of it
Stranger: What
Me: Oh don’t act like you’ve never tried to trim your bangs at home & had to wear a hat because you fucked them up
Stranger: What
Me: My nasal stylist will have to fix it, it’s that bad
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume1
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume2
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume3
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume4
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