#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 4

#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 4

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only.  Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Asphalt

Stranger: What

Me: If you aren’t wearing a mask, it’s your ass and your fault when Covid gets you


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I was inspired by the White House response when they were recently asked about bringing back mask mandates

Stranger: I saw, they said something like ‘we don’t get involved in that’

Me: Yeah, viral transmission… I don’t get involved in that


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (singing) I love you, I love me, I hate C-O-V-I-D,

With a great big mask I’ll be safe for me and you

I think you should wear one too

Stranger: Fuck this


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m trying out a new high-tech diagnostics respirator that can tell me in real time what’s in this indoor setting

Stranger: Well what’s it telling you

Me: That there’s least one asshole in close proximity


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Did you ever read those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books as a kid

Stranger: Yeah

Me: Well we’re all in one of those stories now for real

Stranger: What

Me: Except if you fuck it up you don’t get to start over


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It keeps my face warm when I ride my bike

Stranger: You ride a bike in the winter?

Me: Yeah, sold my car to pay hospital bills from when I had Covid. If I get a 2nd mortgage &payment plan for the rest, I’ll have it all paid off in 10 yrs or so


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Viruses can manipulate host behavior. You know how wild animals get rabies, then become aggressive & act against their nature?

Stranger: Yeah

Me: It’s like that with people too. Someone like you could get Covid and become woke.

Stranger: What


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Toilet paper shortage

Stranger: What

Me: Covid is now causing explosive diarrhea. My entire family has it & we’re out of toilet paper. You don’t want to know what my house looks & smells like. As soon as we recover we’re just gonna move out.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Big Pharma *wants* us breathing in viruses, bacteria, fungi, allergens, pollutants, so we stay sick. The sicker we are, the richer they get.

Stranger: What

Me: Follow the money, it’s obvious. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Big Pharma win!!!


Stranger: Why you masking

Me: (Singing) It’s a beautiful day to be masking, it’s a beautiful day to be asking, would you wear one? (Holds out N95) Would you wear one? I have always wanted to mask with a neighbor just like you…

Stranger: Fuck this, I’m outta here


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you’d be prettier if you’d take it off

Me: This is so you’ll see my inner beauty

Stranger: Why should I care about your inner beauty

Me: I dunno, maybe because I’m the only person here who cares if you live or die, but you do you, champ


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Three ghosts visited me to show me the past, the present… & what the future looks like in a world without masking. So awful. You don’t want to know what I saw. I’ve got a spare if you want it.

Stranger: No

Me: Well then BAH HUMBUG to you!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t want Covid, the JN.1 variant makes people shit their pants

Stranger: I’ve already had it so I’m immune

Me: I’m sorry but I stay up to date on the science and there is no evidence of turd immunity


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it’s not required

Me: So I should only wear what’s required

Stranger: Yeah

Me: (takes pants off)

Stranger: What the fuck are you doing

Me: The sign on the door says shoes & shirts are required, doesn’t say anything about pants, LOL


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, just get the vax, it makes Covid a mild cold

Me: Swiss cheese

Stranger: You mean layered approach

Me: I mean I don’t want my blood vessels & organs to look like Swiss cheese after they’re damaged by a virus that initially seems like a mild cold


Coworker: Why you wearing a mask, you know they don’t work 100% of the time, right

Me: Neither do you

Coworker: What

Me: Quit looking at porn and get back to work, Kevin


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Do you watch Ted Lasso?

Stranger: Oh hell yeah I love that show, why

Me: You need you to watch Season 3 Epidode 11 again

Stranger: What

Me: And then I’m gonna need you to sit quietly & think about what you’ve done


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because I don’t believe in re-gifting, it’s rude

Stranger: What

Me: Everyone got new viruses for Christmas at their gatherings & now they’re trying to pass them along to others, that’s just trashy. Leave me out of that shit.


Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask, you stuck in the past? Move on with your life, everyone else has. You’d be so embarrassed if you could see yourself walking around in public looking like that.

Me: That’s funny, I was going to say the same thing to you about your mullet.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m positive

Stranger: For what, flu, COVID, something else?

Me: I’m positive I don’t have time for this shit today & you really & truly should fuck all the way off

Stranger: What

Me: Deuces


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it’s scaring people

Me: I’m sorry you’re all living in fear

Stranger: What

Me: If masks are scary just stay home

Stranger: You can’t expect us to stay home

Me: So talk to a therapist about your fear of masks, take some personal responsibility


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, are you ok

Me: OMG it’s been so long since someone asked if I’m ok… thank you, I didn’t think anybody cared. I’ve been stressed about my relationship with my mother, but thanks to you, I’m ready to open up and talk about it

Stranger: Fuck this


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Religious reasons, my body is a temple

Stranger: You saying my body isn’t

Me: Not all, just curious to know how treating your body like an amusement park for a BSL-3 pathogen is a fitting way to honor the divine that dwells within us all


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Toxic positivity

Stranger: You have a problem with people being happy

Me: No I have a problem with the test positivity rate for that toxic biohazard you unmasked fuckers are spreading everywhere


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Covid causes premature aging

Stranger: LOL what

Me: Look, I’m old. I’m so old, the AARP sends me stick-on address labels, & I actually use them. I’m aging like a motherfucker on my own, so I’m not about to let a virus speed that shit up.


Stranger: Hey idiot why you wearing a mask

Me: (low voice) I’m Batman

Stranger: LOL ok Batman, where’s your mask with the bat ears & all

Me: I’ve changed my disguise

Stranger: To that bullshit? How’s that working out for ya

Me: Great actually, you didn’t know I was Batman


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Tsch

Stranger: What

Me: I take it you’ve never watched Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan, Tsch

Stranger: I don’t understand

Me: TSCH


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m against respiratory socialism

Stranger: What

Me: You people who just want to share the air freely with anyone & everyone make me sick, that’s just un-American & I won’t stand for it


Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask

Me: Allergies

Stranger: What are you allergic to

Me: Assholes who harass me over wearing a mask


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s Immune System Appreciation Day, instead of awareness ribbons, I wear a mask

Stranger: Never heard of it

Me: I made it up

Stranger: You can’t just make shit up like that

Me: Why not, someone made up immune debt, look at how it’s taken off


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s a medical device, would you ask someone why they use a wheelchair

Stranger: No, it’d be obvious they’d need it for mobility

Me: So it’s only ok to mask if you think there’s an obvious need

Stranger: Yes

Me: Ok be patient, it will be pretty fucking obvious soon enough


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because Covid isn’t over

Stranger: All our leaders say it is

Me: And did you get that handbag from a guy on a streetcorner who swore it was a real Louis Vuitton & gave you the lowest price he’s allowed to sell it for

Stranger: Yes- wait, what


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, Covid is over

Me: Where’d you hear that

Stranger: The internet, why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s cold AF, masking warms your breath, which tricks the rest of your body into feeling warm

Stranger: Bullshit

Me: Don’t worry, I saw it on the internet


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Public health debt

Stranger: WTF

Me: My thoughts exactly


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Oh… you caught me off guard, give me a minute to make up some bullshit

Stranger: Why would you make up some bullshit, why not just tell me the truth

Me: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!


Store Manager: You can drop the mask, Covid is over

Me: How do you know

Store Manager: Literally everyone says so, it must be true

Me: Ok thanks asshole

Store Manager: Why did you call me an asshole

Me: I talked to your staff here & they all said you're an asshole, must be true


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To protect myself from Covid

Stranger: (smugly) Can’t hear you, you should take your mask off

Me: NOPE, HAVE YOU HAD COVID

Stranger: Yeah, 3 times & I’m just fine

Me: NO YOU AREN’T, COVID CAN CAUSE HEARING LOSS, YOU SHOULD GET YOURS CHECKED


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, just get Covid & get on with your life

Me: I have it now, I’m keeping it to myself so I don’t ruin anyone’s Thanksgiving plans

Stranger: Oh

Me: But day after Thanksgiving, you fuckers are fair game! Black Friday is gonna be like the Black Plague!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I think the more important question is why aren’t YOU wearing a mask

Stranger: What makes you think I need to

Me: (pulls out iPhone and plays dueling banjos soundtrack from Deliverance) ‘Cause… you got a purty mouth


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, it robs your brain of oxygen

Me: It’s for twerk class

Stranger: What

Me: It diverts oxygen to my ass, which helps me twerk

Stranger: That makes no sense

Me: Neither does harassing people for protecting themselves from a BSL-3 airborne pathogen


Stranger: (fake coughs upon seeing me masked)

Me: Glad I’m not the only one

Stranger: What

Me: That’s a tuberculosis cough, I’d recognize it anywhere. Thank God I got treatment before mine got that bad.

Stranger: (blank stare)

Me: Good luck with it


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m an organ donor

Stranger: Like a kidney?

Me: No, I’m donating a pipe organ to church

Stranger: LOL I thought you were doing something noble

Me: I am - protecting the church members. People shouldn’t have to be vulnerable to deserve that.


Stranger behind my back: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (puts on sunglasses, turns around slowly to face stranger, breathes loudly like Darth Vader) I… am your father

Stranger: Fuck this


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Rabies

Stranger: LOL no way, humans don’t get rabies

Me: Yeah they do, google it, I’ll wait

Stranger: (googles it) oh snap I thought only dogs got it like in that movie Cujo

Me: (barks loudly)


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m getting into character for a film I’ll be starring in

Stranger: What character are you playing

Me: A survivor of a zombie apocalypse

Stranger: Sounds like a cool sci-fi movie

Me: It’s actually a documentary


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m a product tester

Stranger: So you’re testing the mask

Me: No, I’m testing an herbal supplement that’s supposed to keep me calm & centered when someone harasses me over my mask

Stranger: How’s it working

Me: Not well, go fuck yourself


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m protecting businesses, they’re vital to our economy

Stranger: What

Me: Businesses can be sued for giving people Covid

Stranger: No they can’t

Me: Tell that to Carnival Cruises, they’re busy writing checks after losing a landmark case


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Knock knock

Stranger: Who’s there

Me: Nunya

Stranger: Oh you’re gonna say nunya business

Me: Actually I was going to say nunya folks would be maskless right now if you knew what Covid can do to you over time, I got a spare if you want it


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask in church

Me: Covid is like the Holy Spirit

Stranger: What

Me: It’s everywhere even though we can’t see it, it wants us to let it into our hearts, and it wants us to give our all in its service. As for me and my house, we shall not serve Covid!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask on this flight, they’re not required anymore

Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells. That summer flu makes people shit bloody diarrhea & it’s still going around even though it’s November.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why, it’s not like it’s hurting you

Stranger: Maybe it is

Me: Well developing good communication skills to express your pain is very important, can you show me on this scale how much it hurts? Are you crying like the little bitch at #10?

Wong-Baker Faces pain scale. | Download Scientific Diagram

 ***

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume3

Who is Guiness Pig?

You can support my work by signing up for a membership to The Guiness Pig Diaries or buying me a coffee.

In good humor and solidarity,

Guiness Pig