#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 3

#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 3

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only.  Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.

 

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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I guess you didn’t watch 60 Minutes this past weekend

Stranger: No, why

Me: Watch it, you’ll understand why people are masking again

Stranger: What

Me: Here’s a spare mask for after you watch it

Stranger: (blank stare)

Me: Tick tock tick tock

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?

Me: Masks are cheap, being sick is expensive.  If I have to be hospitalized, you gonna pay my bills?

Stranger: LOL what if I said yes

Me: I’d tell you to save your money.  Sooner or later you’re gonna need it for your own medical expenses.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask on this flight, they’re not required anymore

Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells. That summer flu makes people shit bloody diarrhea & it’s still going around even though it’s November.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask,is this about virtue signaling

Me: No it’s about virus signaling

Stranger: What

Me: Viruses deliver genomes &proteins with signalling potential into target cells &alter the metabolism of the host. Fuck that, my metabolism is already too sluggish.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s Halloween

Stranger: Nice try, it’s not a costume

Me: Look, I’m broke, I had this mask at home & still wanted to participate in the holiday, stop judging me for being poor

Stranger: What

Me: You need to check your privilege, seriously

 

***

 

Stranger: Haha why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t want E. Coli in my lungs

Stranger: That’s in poop, not lungs

Me: Look up Eschericia Coli Pneumonia, I’ll wait

Stranger: WTF how do you get that

Me: Indoor air is full of feces. Take a whiff, Turd Lungs! I’ll keep on masking.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Just got over a pinworm infection, it was awful, kept me up all night scratching my asshole

Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask

Me: You inhale the eggs

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah google it

Stranger: Fuck

Me: And they’re everywhere

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: The devil made me do it

Stranger: LOL What

Me: It’s necessary to protect this mortal body from airborne biohazards so it may thrive and do his bidding here on earth

Stranger: Heh ok

Me: BTW he said you should keep on going maskless, LOL

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (yelling) Back off, it’s MINE! You can’t have it! Go get your own fucking mask!

Stranger: What

Me: I’m working on boundaries, now you know where you stand on that issue

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, landfills are full of them, they’re bad for the environment

Me: My N95 is reusable & keeps me from dying, which keeps all my stuff out of a landfill, & keeps the smoke & ashes from my cremated body out of the air

Stranger: (blank stare)

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me:(singing & dancing) You can’t see Covid

It’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie

You can’t feel Covid

It’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie

But ya know it’s there

Here there &everywhere

(To stranger) C’mon, do the Covid slide with me!

Stranger: Fuck this

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Are you familiar with the phrase ‘silent but deadly?’

Stranger: Yeah why

Me: (closes eyes, grunts, pauses before opening eyes again) You’re about to find out in the next few seconds

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Same reason why I wear a condom when I hook up with your mother

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (slowly turns toward stranger, slides right hand into left armpit and begins making rapid fire armpit fart noises while stepping aggressively toward stranger, never breaking eye contact)

Stranger: Ok fuck this

 

***

 

Stranger: Hey dumbass why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m living in fear

Stranger: Oh you admit it

Me: Yes, I’m afraid of becoming an asshole who approaches strangers in public to harass them over their health decisions, seems like only unmasked people do that so I’ll keep masking

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I have to go to an employee appreciation party for my job, they’re making every dept get up and sing karaoke together

Stranger: Okay…

Me: I can’t sing worth a shit, but thanks to my mask, no one will know it’s me screeching like a dying cat

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Family values

Stranger: What

Me: My family values me as the breadwinner. If I get really sick & can’t work, we can’t pay the bills & would need to file for assistance. I sure wouldn’t want to put that on a hardworking taxpayer like yourself.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m against colonization

Stranger: There’s no need to go there, what do masks have to do with that

Me: They prevent viral colonization Stranger: (blank stare)

 

***

 

Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you buying coffee filters

Stranger: Uhh… to filter grounds out of my coffee

Me: Well unless you plan to stop living in fear of coffee grounds, maybe you should quit judging other people’s use of filters

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you wearing a BLM shirt

Stranger: I’m an ally

Me: Black Americans have suffered higher rates of COVID infection, hospitalization & deaths, so masking also shows allyship

Stranger: What

Me: And unlike a Tshirt it actually protects lives

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, there’s nothing but summer flu going around

Me: It’s October

Stranger: Yeah I know

Me: So why is summer flu going around in the fall, that’s never happened before… something’s not adding up

Stranger: Oh shit, I hadn’t thought about that

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Social proof

Stranger: What

Me: That’s when people copy the actions of others so they can display socially appropriate behavior &feel like they fit in

Stranger: WTF

Me: I’m making it easier for other people to mask by setting an example

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you one of those woke weirdos

Me: Yes, I woke up this morning &lived to see another day. Covid is the 4th leading cause of death & hundreds of studies show that masking prevents transmission. So yeah I'm woke AF &intend to stay that way.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you masking, you a crisis actor

Me: Yes

Stranger: I knew it

Me: The ongoing SARS-Cov-2 pandemic is a crisis and by masking, I’m acting to break chains of transmission

Stranger What

Me: You want an autograph, I don’t mind

 

***

 

Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t worry ma’am, I got a mask for you too (hands spare N95 to stranger)

Stranger: What

Me: There’s a biohazard in the air, sorry to run but I gotta finish distributing masks to other customers before… y’know, it’s too late

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m working on a documentary on exorcism, our consulting clergy has us mask to protect us from entities seeking a new vessel

Stranger: So it blocks the entrance

Me: Yes. I wish it were that easy to block the other entrance, that part sucks

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m getting pretty gray in my beard

Stranger: Well you’re in luck, I’m a beautician! There are products that are inexpensive & easy to apply that can cover up all that gray hair

Me: No shit, they’re called masks

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I have resting bitch face

Stranger: Aw don’t be so hard on yourself, it can’t be that bad, let me see

Me: Why don’t you mind your own fucking business

Stranger: What

Me: It’s not just my face, the rest of me is a bitch too. Fuck you!

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m a brand ambassador, this is the Yeezy mask

Stranger: What does it do

Me: It protects you from getting in trouble for saying crazy shit outloud. I mean, you’ll still say it, but people can’t see your lips moving so they can’t prove it’s you.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I just went to a revival and the preacher said he breathed the breath of the spirit in me & healed me

Stranger: What does that have to do with the mask

Me: I had crabs, that shit was awful, if I breathe the spirit out, they might come back

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Lockdown

Stranger: What

Me: The university needed one more participant for a paid masking study so I locked that shit down

Stranger: A paid study?

Me: Yeah we all get $1k/week for masking in public & get this, none of us have been sick

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Got a fever now

Can’t breathe good

My brain ain’t working

Just like it should

I’m aching all over

This shit is whack

My neck, my back

Diarrhea in my crack

Stranger: Ok stop

 

***

 

Stranger: I have Covid right now & look at me, I’m fine, so why you wearing a mask

Me: I work in a meth lab

Stranger: (long pause) Isn’t that a crime

Me: Don’t know, I slept through orientation. But guess what IS a potential crime? Knowingly infecting others with a biohazard.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (singing) Here’s a little song I wrote

Might wanna sing it note for note

Don’t worry, keep masking

Assholes giving me grief in the store

But Covid’s gonna lay them out on the floor

I don’t worry, I keep masking Ooh, ooh---

Stranger: Fuck you

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Mask mandates are starting to come back in some hospitals, schools, & businesses around the country. I don’t like being told what to do, so I choose to mask before anyone mandates it here.

Stranger: What

Me: I really showed those assholes!

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To remind people we still have access to them, for now…. the wealthy elites are stockpiling them in their doomsday bunkers

Stranger: LOL it’s not like they’re gonna need them…wait do you know something

Me: Fuck, I’ve already said too much

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing that stupid mask

Me: You may not have heard because of govt & media concealing info, but there is a biohazard in this area

Stranger: What

Me: Remember the anthrax bioterrorism events 20 or so years ago

Stranger: Yeah

Me: Well this is way worse than that

 

***

 

Stranger: LOL well look at you, virtue signaling in that stupid mask

Me: What does that mean

Stranger: It means you think your values & morals are better than everyone else’s, you’re wearing that mask to show off

Me: Oh I think I get it, like your MAGA hat

Stranger: What

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m with a film crew taping an episode of MTV’s jackass. A cast member is going to wear a skunk suit and drive through here on a mobility scooter spraying everyone

Stranger: That’s not that funny

Me: Well it’s pepper spray

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you a lizard person under there

Me: Yes

Stranger: What

Me: We mask because we have stronger survival instincts than you humans do. Also, we prefer the term Reptilian Americans, you fucking bigot.

 

***

 

Stranger: That mask won’t save ya, it’s survival of the fittest now

Me: Survival of fittest is why I mask

Stranger: What

Me: Adaptation theory. Those who adapt to their environment pass on fittest genes to offspring. Ever think about the offspring? No, you only think of yourself.

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (laughing playfully) oh it’s not a mask, it’s my CPAP machine

Stranger: What

Me: This feels real but it’s a dream. My dream, actually. You show up here often. We’ve spoken like this before. You just don’t remember.

Stranger: WTF

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To honor my ancestors

Stranger: What

Me: They were Puritans who covered up head to toe for modesty, to avoid sin. They’d be spinning in their graves if they saw all this public facial nudity. This isn’t what they wanted for us.

 

***

 

Stranger in MAGA hat: Hey looney liberal, why you wearing a mask

Me: Because Trump is on house arrest. Look, I didn’t vote for him, but this is America, and everyone is innocent until proven guilty. If he can’t show his face in public, neither will I!

Stranger: (blank stare)

 

***

 

Stranger: Take off that mask and smile

Me: Have you ever thought about the fact that the mouth is basically the rectum of the face?

Stranger: What

Me: Stop demanding to see my facial asshole, you’re disgusting

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because of the tools

Stranger: Oh right, all you Covid people have “the tools” (air quotes)

Me: No I mean because of people like you, you ARE a bunch of fucking tools blowing your nasty ass virus breath around

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My therapist wants me to avoid feeling sorry for myself by focusing on others, so my homework is to do something selfless every day

Stranger: WTF are you a sociopath

Me: Not I’ve just been really depressed since my tuberculosis was reactivated

 

***

 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Life insurance

Stranger: What

Me: The company has all this research showing Covid increases risk of death. Had to sign a paper saying I’ll mask in public. If they can prove I don’t, they won’t pay out when I die. Don’t want that for my family.

 

***

 

Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: You see all this food in my cart? It’s all for me. I don’t want company at my place, I don’t like parties…

Stranger: WTF does that have to do with a mask

Me: I won’t even host people, I’m sure not gonna host a fucking virus

 

***

 

Stranger: You live in fear in that mask, I’ll pray for you

Me: Please don’t. Remember that preacher who prayed & blew Covid away? That only made it worse, I wonder if he works for the guy downstairs instead

Stranger: What

Me: I mean…he has fucking fangs

 ***

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2

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In good humor and solidarity,

Guiness Pig