#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 3
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I guess you didn’t watch 60 Minutes this past weekend
Stranger: No, why
Me: Watch it, you’ll understand why people are masking again
Stranger: What
Me: Here’s a spare mask for after you watch it
Stranger: (blank stare)
Me: Tick tock tick tock
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?
Me: Masks are cheap, being sick is expensive. If I have to be hospitalized, you gonna pay my bills?
Stranger: LOL what if I said yes
Me: I’d tell you to save your money. Sooner or later you’re gonna need it for your own medical expenses.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask on this flight, they’re not required anymore
Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells. That summer flu makes people shit bloody diarrhea & it’s still going around even though it’s November.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask,is this about virtue signaling
Me: No it’s about virus signaling
Stranger: What
Me: Viruses deliver genomes &proteins with signalling potential into target cells &alter the metabolism of the host. Fuck that, my metabolism is already too sluggish.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s Halloween
Stranger: Nice try, it’s not a costume
Me: Look, I’m broke, I had this mask at home & still wanted to participate in the holiday, stop judging me for being poor
Stranger: What
Me: You need to check your privilege, seriously
***
Stranger: Haha why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t want E. Coli in my lungs
Stranger: That’s in poop, not lungs
Me: Look up Eschericia Coli Pneumonia, I’ll wait
Stranger: WTF how do you get that
Me: Indoor air is full of feces. Take a whiff, Turd Lungs! I’ll keep on masking.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Just got over a pinworm infection, it was awful, kept me up all night scratching my asshole
Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask
Me: You inhale the eggs
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah google it
Stranger: Fuck
Me: And they’re everywhere
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: The devil made me do it
Stranger: LOL What
Me: It’s necessary to protect this mortal body from airborne biohazards so it may thrive and do his bidding here on earth
Stranger: Heh ok
Me: BTW he said you should keep on going maskless, LOL
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (yelling) Back off, it’s MINE! You can’t have it! Go get your own fucking mask!
Stranger: What
Me: I’m working on boundaries, now you know where you stand on that issue
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, landfills are full of them, they’re bad for the environment
Me: My N95 is reusable & keeps me from dying, which keeps all my stuff out of a landfill, & keeps the smoke & ashes from my cremated body out of the air
Stranger: (blank stare)
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me:(singing & dancing) You can’t see Covid
It’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie
You can’t feel Covid
It’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie
But ya know it’s there
Here there &everywhere
(To stranger) C’mon, do the Covid slide with me!
Stranger: Fuck this
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Are you familiar with the phrase ‘silent but deadly?’
Stranger: Yeah why
Me: (closes eyes, grunts, pauses before opening eyes again) You’re about to find out in the next few seconds
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Same reason why I wear a condom when I hook up with your mother
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (slowly turns toward stranger, slides right hand into left armpit and begins making rapid fire armpit fart noises while stepping aggressively toward stranger, never breaking eye contact)
Stranger: Ok fuck this
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Stranger: Hey dumbass why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m living in fear
Stranger: Oh you admit it
Me: Yes, I’m afraid of becoming an asshole who approaches strangers in public to harass them over their health decisions, seems like only unmasked people do that so I’ll keep masking
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I have to go to an employee appreciation party for my job, they’re making every dept get up and sing karaoke together
Stranger: Okay…
Me: I can’t sing worth a shit, but thanks to my mask, no one will know it’s me screeching like a dying cat
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Family values
Stranger: What
Me: My family values me as the breadwinner. If I get really sick & can’t work, we can’t pay the bills & would need to file for assistance. I sure wouldn’t want to put that on a hardworking taxpayer like yourself.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m against colonization
Stranger: There’s no need to go there, what do masks have to do with that
Me: They prevent viral colonization Stranger: (blank stare)
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Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you buying coffee filters
Stranger: Uhh… to filter grounds out of my coffee
Me: Well unless you plan to stop living in fear of coffee grounds, maybe you should quit judging other people’s use of filters
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you wearing a BLM shirt
Stranger: I’m an ally
Me: Black Americans have suffered higher rates of COVID infection, hospitalization & deaths, so masking also shows allyship
Stranger: What
Me: And unlike a Tshirt it actually protects lives
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, there’s nothing but summer flu going around
Me: It’s October
Stranger: Yeah I know
Me: So why is summer flu going around in the fall, that’s never happened before… something’s not adding up
Stranger: Oh shit, I hadn’t thought about that
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Social proof
Stranger: What
Me: That’s when people copy the actions of others so they can display socially appropriate behavior &feel like they fit in
Stranger: WTF
Me: I’m making it easier for other people to mask by setting an example
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you one of those woke weirdos
Me: Yes, I woke up this morning &lived to see another day. Covid is the 4th leading cause of death & hundreds of studies show that masking prevents transmission. So yeah I'm woke AF &intend to stay that way.
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Stranger: Why you masking, you a crisis actor
Me: Yes
Stranger: I knew it
Me: The ongoing SARS-Cov-2 pandemic is a crisis and by masking, I’m acting to break chains of transmission
Stranger What
Me: You want an autograph, I don’t mind
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Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t worry ma’am, I got a mask for you too (hands spare N95 to stranger)
Stranger: What
Me: There’s a biohazard in the air, sorry to run but I gotta finish distributing masks to other customers before… y’know, it’s too late
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m working on a documentary on exorcism, our consulting clergy has us mask to protect us from entities seeking a new vessel
Stranger: So it blocks the entrance
Me: Yes. I wish it were that easy to block the other entrance, that part sucks
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m getting pretty gray in my beard
Stranger: Well you’re in luck, I’m a beautician! There are products that are inexpensive & easy to apply that can cover up all that gray hair
Me: No shit, they’re called masks
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I have resting bitch face
Stranger: Aw don’t be so hard on yourself, it can’t be that bad, let me see
Me: Why don’t you mind your own fucking business
Stranger: What
Me: It’s not just my face, the rest of me is a bitch too. Fuck you!
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m a brand ambassador, this is the Yeezy mask
Stranger: What does it do
Me: It protects you from getting in trouble for saying crazy shit outloud. I mean, you’ll still say it, but people can’t see your lips moving so they can’t prove it’s you.
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I just went to a revival and the preacher said he breathed the breath of the spirit in me & healed me
Stranger: What does that have to do with the mask
Me: I had crabs, that shit was awful, if I breathe the spirit out, they might come back
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Lockdown
Stranger: What
Me: The university needed one more participant for a paid masking study so I locked that shit down
Stranger: A paid study?
Me: Yeah we all get $1k/week for masking in public & get this, none of us have been sick
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Got a fever now
Can’t breathe good
My brain ain’t working
Just like it should
I’m aching all over
This shit is whack
My neck, my back
Diarrhea in my crack
Stranger: Ok stop
***
Stranger: I have Covid right now & look at me, I’m fine, so why you wearing a mask
Me: I work in a meth lab
Stranger: (long pause) Isn’t that a crime
Me: Don’t know, I slept through orientation. But guess what IS a potential crime? Knowingly infecting others with a biohazard.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (singing) Here’s a little song I wrote
Might wanna sing it note for note
Don’t worry, keep masking
Assholes giving me grief in the store
But Covid’s gonna lay them out on the floor
I don’t worry, I keep masking Ooh, ooh---
Stranger: Fuck you
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Mask mandates are starting to come back in some hospitals, schools, & businesses around the country. I don’t like being told what to do, so I choose to mask before anyone mandates it here.
Stranger: What
Me: I really showed those assholes!
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To remind people we still have access to them, for now…. the wealthy elites are stockpiling them in their doomsday bunkers
Stranger: LOL it’s not like they’re gonna need them…wait do you know something
Me: Fuck, I’ve already said too much
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that stupid mask
Me: You may not have heard because of govt & media concealing info, but there is a biohazard in this area
Stranger: What
Me: Remember the anthrax bioterrorism events 20 or so years ago
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well this is way worse than that
***
Stranger: LOL well look at you, virtue signaling in that stupid mask
Me: What does that mean
Stranger: It means you think your values & morals are better than everyone else’s, you’re wearing that mask to show off
Me: Oh I think I get it, like your MAGA hat
Stranger: What
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m with a film crew taping an episode of MTV’s jackass. A cast member is going to wear a skunk suit and drive through here on a mobility scooter spraying everyone
Stranger: That’s not that funny
Me: Well it’s pepper spray
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you a lizard person under there
Me: Yes
Stranger: What
Me: We mask because we have stronger survival instincts than you humans do. Also, we prefer the term Reptilian Americans, you fucking bigot.
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Stranger: That mask won’t save ya, it’s survival of the fittest now
Me: Survival of fittest is why I mask
Stranger: What
Me: Adaptation theory. Those who adapt to their environment pass on fittest genes to offspring. Ever think about the offspring? No, you only think of yourself.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (laughing playfully) oh it’s not a mask, it’s my CPAP machine
Stranger: What
Me: This feels real but it’s a dream. My dream, actually. You show up here often. We’ve spoken like this before. You just don’t remember.
Stranger: WTF
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To honor my ancestors
Stranger: What
Me: They were Puritans who covered up head to toe for modesty, to avoid sin. They’d be spinning in their graves if they saw all this public facial nudity. This isn’t what they wanted for us.
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Stranger in MAGA hat: Hey looney liberal, why you wearing a mask
Me: Because Trump is on house arrest. Look, I didn’t vote for him, but this is America, and everyone is innocent until proven guilty. If he can’t show his face in public, neither will I!
Stranger: (blank stare)
***
Stranger: Take off that mask and smile
Me: Have you ever thought about the fact that the mouth is basically the rectum of the face?
Stranger: What
Me: Stop demanding to see my facial asshole, you’re disgusting
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because of the tools
Stranger: Oh right, all you Covid people have “the tools” (air quotes)
Me: No I mean because of people like you, you ARE a bunch of fucking tools blowing your nasty ass virus breath around
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My therapist wants me to avoid feeling sorry for myself by focusing on others, so my homework is to do something selfless every day
Stranger: WTF are you a sociopath
Me: Not I’ve just been really depressed since my tuberculosis was reactivated
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Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Life insurance
Stranger: What
Me: The company has all this research showing Covid increases risk of death. Had to sign a paper saying I’ll mask in public. If they can prove I don’t, they won’t pay out when I die. Don’t want that for my family.
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Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: You see all this food in my cart? It’s all for me. I don’t want company at my place, I don’t like parties…
Stranger: WTF does that have to do with a mask
Me: I won’t even host people, I’m sure not gonna host a fucking virus
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Stranger: You live in fear in that mask, I’ll pray for you
Me: Please don’t. Remember that preacher who prayed & blew Covid away? That only made it worse, I wonder if he works for the guy downstairs instead
Stranger: What
Me: I mean…he has fucking fangs
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Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2
You can support my work by signing up for a membership to The Guiness Pig Diaries or buying me a coffee.
In good humor and solidarity,
Guiness Pig