#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 3
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I guess you didn’t watch 60 Minutes this past weekend
Stranger: No, why
Me: Watch it, you’ll understand why people are masking again
Stranger: What
Me: Here’s a spare mask for after you watch it
Stranger: (blank stare)
Me: Tick tock tick tock
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?
Me: Masks are cheap, being sick is expensive. If I have to be hospitalized, you gonna pay my bills?
Stranger: LOL what if I said yes
Me: I’d tell you to save your money. Sooner or later you’re gonna need it for your own medical expenses.
Stranger on airplane: Why you wearing a mask, they’re not required in-flight anymore
Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells
Stranger: What
Me: That summer flu that makes people shit bloody diarrhea on airplanes is still going around
Stranger: What
Me: Even though it’s November, wild isn't it?
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask,is this about virtue signaling
Me: No it’s about virus signaling
Stranger: What
Me: Viruses deliver genomes & proteins with signalling potential into target cells & alter the metabolism of the host
Stranger: What
Me: Fuck that, my metabolism is already sluggish to begin with
Stranger: Haha why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t want E. Coli in my lungs
Stranger: That’s in poop, not lungs
Me: Look up Eschericia Coli Pneumonia, I’ll wait
Stranger: What, how do you get that
Me: By breathing air indoors in public, it often contains aerosolized feces
Stranger: What
Me: Look, I've always found toilets to be practical for disposing of waste, but if you think your lungs are a better environment for it, who am I to judge
Stranger in pharmacy: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because of a pinworm infection, it kept me up all night scratching my ass
Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask
Me: You inhale the eggs, they get in your bloodstream, then travel to your asshole and hatch into worms
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah Google it if you don't believe me
Stranger: Fuck
Me: The pinworm medicine is $15 but masks are free
Stranger: What
Me: And less itchy
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: The devil made me do it
Stranger: LOL What
Me: It’s necessary to protect this mortal body from airborne biohazards so the dark one may thrive and do his bidding here on earth
Stranger: Ok
Me: By the way, he tells me he'll see you soon
Stranger: What
Me: Really soon if you keep on going maskless
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To avoid COVID
Stranger: But landfills are full of masks, they’re bad for the environment
Me: My N95 is reusable & keeps me from dying
Stranger: So
Me: My body would take up much more space in a landfill than the disposable masks I've thrown out
Stranger: Dead bodies aren't supposed to go in a landfill
Me: You have no right to judge my final wishes, I just want to be reunited with all the other bodies I've tossed in it
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me:(singing & dancing to the tune of 'Electric Slide')
You can’t see Covid, it’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie
You can’t feel Covid, it’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie
But ya know it’s there, here there & everywhere
Stranger: What
Me: It's kind ruuuude, spreading aerosols so far and wide
I've got to teach you, teach you, teach you
Not to bring your unmasked face inside
Stranger: OK fuck off
Me: Oh, la, oh, la, oh, la hey
Mask or get the fuck away...
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Are you familiar with the phrase ‘silent but deadly?’
Stranger: Yeah why
Me: (closes eyes, grunts, opens eyes again) You’re about to find out in the next few seconds
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Same reason I wear a condom whenever I'm at your Mom's house
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (slowly turns toward stranger, slides right hand into left armpit and begins making rapid fire armpit fart noises while stepping aggressively toward stranger, never breaking eye contact)
Stranger: Ok fuck this
Stranger: Hey dumbass why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m living in fear
Stranger: Oh you admit it
Me: Yes, I’m afraid of becoming an asshole who approaches strangers in public to harass them over their health decisions
Stranger: What
Me: Seems like only unmasked people do that so I’ll keep on masking
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I have to go to an employee appreciation party for my job, they’re making every dept get up and sing karaoke together
Stranger: Okay
Me: I can’t sing worth a shit, but thanks to my mask, no one will know it’s me screeching like a dying cat
Stranger: Hey dumbass, why you wearing a mask
Me: Family values
Stranger: What
Me: My family values me as the breadwinner. If I get really sick & can’t work, we can’t pay the bills. Would you like to make a donation to my family in case I get sick?
Stranger: Hell no, your family is your own responsibility
Me: And I wouldn't want to have to depend on you either, so I'm glad we're in agreement about this!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m against colonization
Stranger: There’s no need to get political, what do masks have to do with that
Me: They prevent viral colonization
Stranger: What
Me: And also they keep you from spreading viruses in places where marginalized people are, so you don't have to act like a colonizer
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you buying coffee filters
Stranger: To filter grounds out of my coffee
Me: Well unless you plan to stop living in fear of coffee grounds, maybe you should quit judging other people’s use of filters
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you wearing a BLM shirt
Stranger: I’m an ally
Me: Black Americans have suffered higher rates of COVID infection, hospitalization & deaths than the majority, so masking also shows allyship
Stranger: What
Me: And unlike a tshirt, it actually protects Black lives
Stranger: What
Me: Isn't that the whole point or did I miss something
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I'm a model
Stranger: Like a runway model
Me: No, like a role model, people don't like standing out in a crowd, so I'm setting an example to make it socially safe for other people to mask too
Stranger: LOL whatever
Me: Okay, I'm a runway model
Stranger: What
Me: I debuted this limited edition designer respirator in Milan a few weeks ago, it's all the rage in Europe right now, but you'd know that if you knew anything about high fashion
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, are you woke
Me: Yes, I woke up this morning and lived to see another day
Stranger: What
Me: Covid is the 4th leading cause of death right now and hundreds of studies show masking prevents transmission, so yeah I'm woke AF and intend to stay that way
Stranger: Why you masking, you a crisis actor
Me: Yes
Stranger: I knew it
Me: The ongoing SARS-Cov-2 pandemic is a crisis and by masking, I’m acting to break chains of transmission
Stranger What
Me: You want an autograph, I don’t mind
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m working on a documentary about exorcism, our consulting clergy requires us to mask while filming to protect demons from seeking a new vessel
Stranger: So the mask blocks a demon from entering your body through your mouth?
Me: Yes, I wish it were that easy to block the other entrance, that part sucks
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m getting pretty gray in my beard
Stranger: Well you’re in luck, I’m a beautician! There are products that are inexpensive & easy to apply that can cover up all that gray hair
Me: I know, I'm wearing one, it's called a mask
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I have resting bitch face
Stranger: Aw don’t be so hard on yourself, it can’t be that bad, let me see
Me: Why don’t you mind your own fucking business
Stranger: What
Me: It’s not just my face, the rest of me is a bitch too
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m a brand ambassador, this is the Yeezy mask
Stranger: What does it do
Me: It protects you from getting in trouble for saying crazy shit outloud
Stranger: What
Me: I mean, you’ll still say it, but people can’t see your lips moving so they can’t prove it’s you
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (singing and dancing)
I'm feverish now, can’t breathe good
My brain's not working just like it should
My neck, my back
Diarrhea in my crack
Stranger: Ok that's enough
Stranger: I have Covid right now and I’m fine, so why you wearing a mask
Me: I work in a meth lab
Stranger: (long pause) Isn’t that a crime
Me: Don’t know, the managemenet probably covered it in orientation but I slept through that part
Strange: What
Me: Guess what IS a potential crime?
Stranger: What
Me: Knowingly infecting others with a biohazard
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (singing) Here’s a little song I wrote
Might wanna sing it note for note
Don’t worry, keep masking
Assholes giving me grief in the store
But Covid’s gonna lay them out on the floor
I don’t worry, I keep masking Ooh, ooh---
Stranger: Ok, fuck off
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Mask mandates are starting to come back in some areas around the country and I don’t like being told what to do
Stranger: So what
Me: They can't tell me to wear a mask if I'm already doing it on my own
Stranger: What
Me: I really showed those assholes!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To remind people we still have access to them, for now
Stranger: Why wouldn't we have access
Me: Well, it's just that some people are stockpiling them in their private bunkers
Stranger: LOL it’s not like they’re gonna need them…wait do you know something
Me: Fuck, I’ve already said too much
Stranger: LOL well look at you, virtue signaling in that mask
Me: What does that mean
Stranger: It means you think your values & morals are better than everyone else’s, and you’re wearing that thing to show off what a great person you think you area
Me: Isn't that why you're wearing a MAGA hat
Stranger: What
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m here with a film crew taping an episode of MTV’s Jackass
Stranger: Oh cool
Me: Heads up, A cast member is going to wear a skunk suit and drive through here on a mobility scooter spraying everyone
Stranger: Hilarious, I don't know why you'd want to ruin it with a mask
Me: Well, it’s pepper spray
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you a lizard person under there
Me: Yes
Stranger: What
Me: We mask because we have stronger survival instincts than you humans do
Stranger: What
Me: Also, we prefer the term Reptilian Americans, you fucking bigot
Stranger: That mask won’t save ya, it’s survival of the fittest now
Me: Survival of fittest is why I mask
Stranger: What
Me: Adaptation theory. Those who adapt to their environment pass on fittest genes to offspring.
Stranger: What
Me: Ever think about the offspring? No, you only think of yourself.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To honor my ancestors
Stranger: What
Me: They were Puritans who covered up head to toe for modesty, to avoid sin
Stranger: What
Me: With all this godless public facial nudity, they’d be spinning in their graves if they could see us now
Stranger: Take off that mask and smile
Me: Have you ever thought about the fact that the mouth is basically the rectum of the face?
Stranger: What
Me: Stop demanding to see my facial asshole, that's disgusting
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because of the tools
Stranger: Oh right, all you Covid-obsessed people have “the tools” (air quotes)
Me: No I mean because of people like you, blowing your nasty ass virus breath around
Stranger: What
Me: You ARE a bunch of fucking tools
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My therapist wants me to avoid feeling sorry for myself by focusing on others, so my homework is to do something selfless every day
Stranger: Why, are you a sociopath or something
Me: No, I’ve just been really depressed since my tuberculosis was reactivated
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: You see all this food in my cart? It’s all for me. I don’t want company at my place, I don’t like parties…
Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask
Me: I won’t even host people, so I’m sure not gonna host a fucking virus
Stranger: You live in fear in that mask, I’ll pray for you
Me: Please don’t. Remember that preacher on TV who prayed and said he blew Covid away?
Stranger: Yeah
Me; That only made Covid worse, I wonder if he works for the guy downstairs instead
Stranger: What
Me: I mean… he has fucking fangs for crying out loud
***
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2
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In good humor and solidarity,
Guiness Pig