#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 3

Brown and white guinea pig wearing a black face covering in a grocery store cart in front of the dairy counter
Image courtesy of PIxabay/edited with Pixart

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only.  Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.

 


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I guess you didn’t watch 60 Minutes this past weekend

Stranger: No, why

Me: Watch it, you’ll understand why people are masking again

Stranger: What

Me: Here’s a spare mask for after you watch it

Stranger: (blank stare)

Me: Tick tock tick tock

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?

Me: Masks are cheap, being sick is expensive.  If I have to be hospitalized, you gonna pay my bills?

Stranger: LOL what if I said yes

Me: I’d tell you to save your money.  Sooner or later you’re gonna need it for your own medical expenses.

 


 

Stranger on airplane: Why you wearing a mask, they’re not required in-flight anymore

Me: It’s actually a respirator & it’s great for blocking strong smells

Stranger: What

Me: That summer flu that makes people shit bloody diarrhea on airplanes is still going around

Stranger: What

Me: Even though it’s November, wild isn't it?

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask,is this about virtue signaling

Me: No it’s about virus signaling

Stranger: What

Me: Viruses deliver genomes & proteins with signalling potential into target cells & alter the metabolism of the host

Stranger: What

Me: Fuck that, my metabolism is already sluggish to begin with

 


 

Stranger: Haha why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t want E. Coli in my lungs

Stranger: That’s in poop, not lungs

Me: Look up Eschericia Coli Pneumonia, I’ll wait

Stranger: What, how do you get that

Me: By breathing air indoors in public, it often contains aerosolized feces

Stranger: What

Me: Look, I've always found toilets to be practical for disposing of waste, but if you think your lungs are a better environment for it, who am I to judge

 


 

Stranger in pharmacy: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because of a pinworm infection, it kept me up all night scratching my ass

Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask

Me: You inhale the eggs, they get in your bloodstream, then travel to your asshole and hatch into worms

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah Google it if you don't believe me

Stranger: Fuck

Me: The pinworm medicine is $15 but masks are free

Stranger: What

Me: And less itchy

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: The devil made me do it

Stranger: LOL What

Me: It’s necessary to protect this mortal body from airborne biohazards so the dark one may thrive and do his bidding here on earth

Stranger: Ok

Me: By the way, he tells me he'll see you soon

Stranger: What

Me: Really soon if you keep on going maskless

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To avoid COVID

Stranger: But landfills are full of masks, they’re bad for the environment

Me: My N95 is reusable & keeps me from dying

Stranger: So

Me: My body would take up much more space in a landfill than the disposable masks I've thrown out

Stranger: Dead bodies aren't supposed to go in a landfill

Me: You have no right to judge my final wishes, I just want to be reunited with all the other bodies I've tossed in it

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me:(singing & dancing to the tune of 'Electric Slide')

You can’t see Covid, it’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie

You can’t feel Covid, it’s a virus, boogie woogie woogie

But ya know it’s there, here there & everywhere

Stranger: What

Me: It's kind ruuuude, spreading aerosols so far and wide

I've got to teach you, teach you, teach you

Not to bring your unmasked face inside

Stranger: OK fuck off

Me: Oh, la, oh, la, oh, la hey

Mask or get the fuck away...


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Are you familiar with the phrase ‘silent but deadly?’

Stranger: Yeah why

Me: (closes eyes, grunts, opens eyes again) You’re about to find out in the next few seconds

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Same reason I wear a condom whenever I'm at your Mom's house

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (slowly turns toward stranger, slides right hand into left armpit and begins making rapid fire armpit fart noises while stepping aggressively toward stranger, never breaking eye contact)

Stranger: Ok fuck this

 


 

Stranger: Hey dumbass why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m living in fear

Stranger: Oh you admit it

Me: Yes, I’m afraid of becoming an asshole who approaches strangers in public to harass them over their health decisions

Stranger: What

Me: Seems like only unmasked people do that so I’ll keep on masking

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I have to go to an employee appreciation party for my job, they’re making every dept get up and sing karaoke together

Stranger: Okay

Me: I can’t sing worth a shit, but thanks to my mask, no one will know it’s me screeching like a dying cat

 


 

Stranger: Hey dumbass, why you wearing a mask

Me: Family values

Stranger: What

Me: My family values me as the breadwinner. If I get really sick & can’t work, we can’t pay the bills. Would you like to make a donation to my family in case I get sick?

Stranger: Hell no, your family is your own responsibility

Me: And I wouldn't want to have to depend on you either, so I'm glad we're in agreement about this!

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m against colonization

Stranger: There’s no need to get political, what do masks have to do with that

Me: They prevent viral colonization

Stranger: What

Me: And also they keep you from spreading viruses in places where marginalized people are, so you don't have to act like a colonizer


 

Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you buying coffee filters

Stranger: To filter grounds out of my coffee

Me: Well unless you plan to stop living in fear of coffee grounds, maybe you should quit judging other people’s use of filters

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Why you wearing a BLM shirt

Stranger: I’m an ally

Me: Black Americans have suffered higher rates of COVID infection, hospitalization & deaths than the majority, so masking also shows allyship

Stranger: What

Me: And unlike a tshirt, it actually protects Black lives

Stranger: What

Me: Isn't that the whole point or did I miss something

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I'm a model

Stranger: Like a runway model

Me: No, like a role model, people don't like standing out in a crowd, so I'm setting an example to make it socially safe for other people to mask too

Stranger: LOL whatever

Me: Okay, I'm a runway model

Stranger: What

Me: I debuted this limited edition designer respirator in Milan a few weeks ago, it's all the rage in Europe right now, but you'd know that if you knew anything about high fashion

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, are you woke

Me: Yes, I woke up this morning and lived to see another day

Stranger: What

Me: Covid is the 4th leading cause of death right now and hundreds of studies show masking prevents transmission, so yeah I'm woke AF and intend to stay that way

 


 

Stranger: Why you masking, you a crisis actor

Me: Yes

Stranger: I knew it

Me: The ongoing SARS-Cov-2 pandemic is a crisis and by masking, I’m acting to break chains of transmission

Stranger What

Me: You want an autograph, I don’t mind

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m working on a documentary about exorcism, our consulting clergy requires us to mask while filming to protect demons from seeking a new vessel

Stranger: So the mask blocks a demon from entering your body through your mouth?

Me: Yes, I wish it were that easy to block the other entrance, that part sucks

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m getting pretty gray in my beard

Stranger: Well you’re in luck, I’m a beautician! There are products that are inexpensive & easy to apply that can cover up all that gray hair

Me: I know, I'm wearing one, it's called a mask

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I have resting bitch face

Stranger: Aw don’t be so hard on yourself, it can’t be that bad, let me see

Me: Why don’t you mind your own fucking business

Stranger: What

Me: It’s not just my face, the rest of me is a bitch too

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m a brand ambassador, this is the Yeezy mask

Stranger: What does it do

Me: It protects you from getting in trouble for saying crazy shit outloud

Stranger: What

Me: I mean, you’ll still say it, but people can’t see your lips moving so they can’t prove it’s you

 


  

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (singing and dancing)

I'm feverish now, can’t breathe good

My brain's not working just like it should

My neck, my back

Diarrhea in my crack

Stranger: Ok that's enough

 


 

Stranger: I have Covid right now and I’m fine, so why you wearing a mask

Me: I work in a meth lab

Stranger: (long pause) Isn’t that a crime

Me: Don’t know, the managemenet probably covered it in orientation but I slept through that part

Strange: What

Me: Guess what IS a potential crime?

Stranger: What

Me: Knowingly infecting others with a biohazard

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (singing) Here’s a little song I wrote

Might wanna sing it note for note

Don’t worry, keep masking

Assholes giving me grief in the store

But Covid’s gonna lay them out on the floor

I don’t worry, I keep masking Ooh, ooh---

Stranger: Ok, fuck off

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Mask mandates are starting to come back in some areas around the country and I don’t like being told what to do

Stranger: So what

Me: They can't tell me to wear a mask if I'm already doing it on my own

Stranger: What

Me: I really showed those assholes!

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To remind people we still have access to them, for now

Stranger: Why wouldn't we have access

Me: Well, it's just that some people are stockpiling them in their private bunkers

Stranger: LOL it’s not like they’re gonna need them…wait do you know something

Me: Fuck, I’ve already said too much

 


 

Stranger: LOL well look at you, virtue signaling in that mask

Me: What does that mean

Stranger: It means you think your values & morals are better than everyone else’s, and you’re wearing that thing to show off what a great person you think you area

Me: Isn't that why you're wearing a MAGA hat

Stranger: What

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m here with a film crew taping an episode of MTV’s Jackass

Stranger: Oh cool

Me: Heads up, A cast member is going to wear a skunk suit and drive through here on a mobility scooter spraying everyone

Stranger: Hilarious, I don't know why you'd want to ruin it with a mask

Me: Well, it’s pepper spray

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, you a lizard person under there

Me: Yes

Stranger: What

Me: We mask because we have stronger survival instincts than you humans do

Stranger: What

Me: Also, we prefer the term Reptilian Americans, you fucking bigot

 


 

Stranger: That mask won’t save ya, it’s survival of the fittest now

Me: Survival of fittest is why I mask

Stranger: What

Me: Adaptation theory. Those who adapt to their environment pass on fittest genes to offspring.

Stranger: What

Me: Ever think about the offspring? No, you only think of yourself.

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To honor my ancestors

Stranger: What

Me: They were Puritans who covered up head to toe for modesty, to avoid sin

Stranger: What

Me: With all this godless public facial nudity, they’d be spinning in their graves if they could see us now

 


  

Stranger: Take off that mask and smile

Me: Have you ever thought about the fact that the mouth is basically the rectum of the face?

Stranger: What

Me: Stop demanding to see my facial asshole, that's disgusting

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Because of the tools

Stranger: Oh right, all you Covid-obsessed people have “the tools” (air quotes)

Me: No I mean because of people like you, blowing your nasty ass virus breath around

Stranger: What

Me: You ARE a bunch of fucking tools

 


 

Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My therapist wants me to avoid feeling sorry for myself by focusing on others, so my homework is to do something selfless every day

Stranger: Why, are you a sociopath or something

Me: No, I’ve just been really depressed since my tuberculosis was reactivated

 


Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: You see all this food in my cart? It’s all for me. I don’t want company at my place, I don’t like parties…

Stranger: What does that have to do with a mask

Me: I won’t even host people, so I’m sure not gonna host a fucking virus

 


 

Stranger: You live in fear in that mask, I’ll pray for you

Me: Please don’t. Remember that preacher on TV who prayed and said he blew Covid away?

Stranger: Yeah

Me; That only made Covid worse, I wonder if he works for the guy downstairs instead

Stranger: What

Me: I mean… he has fucking fangs for crying out loud

 ***

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1

Click here for #MaskholeClapbacksVolume 2

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In good humor and solidarity,

Guiness Pig