#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 2

Brown and white guinea pig wearing a black face covering in a grocery store cart in front of the dairy counter
Image courtesy of Pixabay/edited with Picsart

These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you know about herd immunity

Me: Oh yes, I heard immunity from past infection & vaccines wanes within months

Stranger: Where’d you hear that from

Me: Would it make you feel better if I said some rando on YouTube


Stranger: Masks don’t work, bet you’re wearing one to annoy people for shits & giggles

Me: Actually, they work great for blocking strong smells like diarrhea

Stranger: What

Me: The new Covid variants are causing such bad gastrointestinal symptoms, it’s ALL shits and giggles…till someone giggles and shits


Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My full HAZMAT suit is at the cleaners

Stranger: LOL what makes you think you need a HAZMAT suit

Me: For protection in an environment with a BSL-3 pathogen present

Stranger: Where would that be

Me: This grocery store


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (playing Sarah MacLachlan's 'Angel' on phone) For my rescue dog. He was neglected & abused before I adopted him.

Stranger: What

Me: (turning up volume) He’s already suffered enough, I refuse to bring Covid home and give it to thim

Stranger: LOL, all that for a dog

Me: (tearfully) You don’t understand, he rescued ME


Stranger: Nice mask dumbass, bet you got your microchip vaccine too didn’t ya

Me: Interesting you’d say that, I heard they aerosolized the microchips & they’re floating everywhere in the air now

Stranger: What


Stranger: (sarcastically) Nice mask, hot stuff, LOL

Me: Please stop fetishizing people who wear masks

Stranger: What

Me: I’m not judging you for being turned on

Stranger: What

Me: It’s a free country and you can have any kink you want, just don’t treat us like sexual objects please


Unmasked Healthcare Worker: Why you wearing a mask

Me: When the pandemic began, I watched a video from healthcare workers asking Americans to mask up. I was so moved I signed an online pledge saying I’d mask up till WHO declared the pandemic over.

Stranger: What

Me: (tearfully, clutching hand over heart)I keep my promises, so I’m doing it for you. Still.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Learning loss

Stranger: What

Me: I’m learning people like you have lost your fucking minds.

Stranger: What

Me: This mask is the only thing standing between me & a BSL-3 airborne pathogen. Take a moment & look that shit up. Educate yourself before vanity kills you.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Learning loss

Stranger: What

Me: Remember how we learned that Covid is dangerous & even if vaccinated you can still be disabled or die if you get it, but masking helps avoid infection

Stranger: (blank stare)

Me: Sorry about your learning loss


Stranger: Take off that stupid mask

Me: Well, our current public health approach is ‘you do you,’ so I’m doing me. If I unmask for your comfort, then I’m doing you too.

Stranger: What

Me: Why don’t we take turns? Here’s a spare mask, you can do me first, then I can do you, then we can do each other—

Stranger: Fuck off


Stranger: Hey numbnuts, why you wearing a mask

Me: Don’t want erectile dysfunction, lots of my friends are having issues with it since they had Covid

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah, their wives & girlfriends are really upset about it

Stranger: What

Me: They've all been coming to me for support, it’s so strange...


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s a show of solidarity for all the brave bros at Burning Man. Their festival sucked and now they’re stranded in the desert.

Stranger: What

Me: If they cry, no one will hear them. So I mask to share their silence.

Stranger: Jesus, stop already


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: For the groundhog

Stranger: What

Me: That’s what I call my junk

Stranger: Why

Me: If I see its shadow I can predict what happens next. I'm not letting Covid take that away with the erectile dysfunction it causes. I want every day to be Groundhog Day!


Stranger in drugstore: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I accidentally swallowed my vape pen

Stranger: What

Me: Yeah they sent me home from work after I made the whole building smell like menthol & cotton candy just from exhailing around everyone

Stranger: What

Me: Hey do you know where the laxatives are


Stranger: Stupid sheep in a mask

Me: Thanks

Stranger: What

Me: For calling me a sheep, thank you! Sheep are intelligent, compassionate creatures who flock together to protect each other from threats. Humans are garbage compared to sheep.

Stranger: What

Me: Baa baa, biaaaatch


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, nobody else is

Me: It’s to protect you, I’m sorry so many others have given up on you

Stranger: Well it’s weird, maybe you should give up too

Me: (singing) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna—

Stranger: Fuck off

Me: LOL


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My job makes me, I’m in close contact with the public

Stranger: What do you do

Me: I’m in sales, do you know about vacation ownership

Stranger: What

Me: I bet you think you can’t afford to buy a timeshare, but I’m about to show you why you can’t afford NOT to buy a timeshare...


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: (doubling over and dry heaving)

Stranger: Never mind


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It’s not a mask, it's an N95

Stranger: Did you make that up? It sounds like a Star Wars character

Me: No

Stranger: You can just make shit up, it's a mask

Me: Ok my mask is to protect me from SARS

Stranger: What

Me: SARS is the 4th leading cause of death right now

Stranger: What

Me: Someone made up a name for it, it's Covid


Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My teen son started using Axe body spray, my whole house reeks of it so this is to block the smell

Stranger: Well why you wearing it here

Me: He’s somewhere in the store too, I keep running away from him but he always manages to find me


Stranger: Hey asshole, why you wearing a mask

Me: It helps me meet people like you

Stranger: What

Me: I have a shaming fetish, it really excites me to be insulted

Stranger: What

Me: Hey could you please call me asshole again, but say it really slow... and look me in the eyes too


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Joined a frat

Stranger: Hazing?

Me: No hazing, it’s a business fraternity.

Stranger: What

Me: There are successful businesses owned by people too sick to keep running them so they’re selling them. I’m buying them up & staying healthy so I can make a shitload of cash.

Stranger: That's bullshit, I'm a business owner

Me: Here's my card, call me when you're ready to sell


Stranger: (warm & friendly) Hiii, I see you’re wearing a mask.

Me: Yes I am

Stranger: You know they're no longer required, right

Me: Yes I do

Stranger: I understand it’s hard for some folks to accept they don’t have to be worn anymore, but you can be free of that thing and get back to living a normal life. I’m here if you wanna talk.

Me: How ironic... I was going to say the same exact thing to you about your man bun.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My gold teeth, they make me a target for theft

Stranger: What

Me: Hey, you look familiar. Aren’t you the guy who chased me around Home Depot with pliers last week, trying to pull out my teeth?

Stranger: What, no

Me: Yes you are, don’t walk away, I’m calling the cops on your ass


Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask, Covid is a hoax

Me: Where did you hear that

Stranger: YouTube

Me: Why you buying pizza, I thought only pedos eat pizza

Stranger: What, that's a hoax

Me: Can't be, I saw it on YouTube


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m waiting for the rapture

Stranger: What

Me: If I ascend into the sky, temps get colder the higher up I'd go, but this mask will keep my breath warm

Stranger: What if you're not raptured

Me: If I’m left behind, the air will be toxic because of all the end-of-time disasters and stuff, so I’m covered both ways

Stranger: You really think the end is near

Me: For those who aren't protecting themselves from airborne pathogens, it is


Stranger: (fake coughs upon seeing me in a mask)

Me: (fake coughs louder)

Stranger: (fake coughs even louder)

Me: (coughs 7 times to the tune of ‘Shave & a Haircut, 2 bits')

Stranger: (blank stare)

Me: I win, fuck you LOL


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: All ninjas wear masks

Stranger: LOL you wish

Me: No seriously, I’m training under a Shinobi Master & learning discipline by enduring discomfort

Stranger: Oh ok, masks are pretty uncomfortable

Me: I’m talking about you harassing me, asshole


Stranger: Take that stupid mask off

Me: Excuse me, are you demanding that I remove what I’m wearing

Stranger: Yeah take it off

Me: NO, I WILL NOT REMOVE WHAT I’M WEARING AND EXPOSE MYSELF TO YOU!

Stranger: What

Me: GET BACK, I DON’T KNOW YOU! NO MEANS NO!!!


Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask

Me: For crop dusting

Stranger: Oh yeah that’s hazardous work, I see

Me: Why don’t you look up crop dusting on Urban Dictionary

Stranger: (looks on phone, looks up in horror)

Me: (crop dusts stranger while wheeling grocery cart away)


Stranger: (fake coughs loudly upon seeing me in a mask)

Me: Are you ok

Stranger: Yeah

Me: You should probably see a doctor for that fake cough

Stranger: What

Me: Faking symptoms of illness for attention could be a sign of Munchausen Syndrome, a serious psychological disorder


Stranger: Why you wearing that mask

Me: To prove that it’s possible to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time

Stranger: (blank stare)


Stranger: Hey dumbass, look around… you see anyone else in here masked

Me: No, just me

Stranger: Well how does that make your feel

Me: Sad and lonely, I really wish I could talk to my friends about it

Stranger: Why can't you

Me: They all jumped off a cliff together & I didn’t join them


Stranger: (sees me in a mask, fake coughs loudly)

Me: You should get that cough checked, that’s exactly how my neighbor sounded the other day

Stranger: LOL well we probably got the same mild cold, tell your neighbor I said get well soon

Me: I can’t

Stranger: Why

Me: He’s dead


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m practicing good hand hygiene, duh

Stranger: What

Me: I just washed my hands vigorously with soap & water for 20 seconds. They’ve never been cleaner.

Stranger: What

Me: If I breathe germs on them then what good is that going to do me? This is just basic science.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: My partner & I are trying to conceive, going to the fertility doc today

Stranger: Healthcare settings don’t require masks anymore

Me: Yeah I know, I'm just dropping off some semen for testing

Stranger: Well where is it

Me: The mask is keeping it put till I get there


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Trust me, it’s for your benefit

Stranger: Why

Me: I just snorted bath salts & everyone’s face is looking all kinds of delicious right about now


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: It says I have to in Leviticus 13:45: Anyone with such a defiling disease must wear torn clothes, let their hair be unkempt, cover the lower part of their face & cry out, 'Unclean!’

Stranger: What

Me: That's why my hair looks like shit too today, just so ya know

Stranger: What

Me: Unclean!


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?

Me: To avoid COVID.

Stranger: It's time to get over COVID. There are bigger social issues that matter, like gun control. Do you realize you have a greater chance a witnessing a mass shooting than getting COVID today?

Me: Duh, of course. The mask is to block the gunpowder & smoke so I don't breathe it in.


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they don’t work

Me: So if you had surgery you wouldn’t want a masked surgeon

Stranger: That’s different, I wouldn't want anyone breathing germs onto my raw, exposed organs

Me: Like how you're inhaling germs into your raw, exposed lungs right now

Stranger: What


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m going to a costume party

Stranger: Oh… ok so what exactly are supposed to be

Me: A human being whose drive for self-preservation is still intact


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: Wow that’s a really personal question, don’t you think we should get to know each other better first before we start asking questions like that

Stranger: What

Me: I’ll go first, what are your pronouns


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: I’m trying to set a good example for our new CDC Director

#MaskUpMandy


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask

Me: To block the smell of pumpkin spice, it’s everywhere

Stranger: Yeah I get it, it’s too sweet

Me: It’s not that, it’s the senseless violence against pumpkins this time of year that upsets me, I can’t handle the smell of death

Stranger: What

Me: It's barbaric, shame on you for making me talk about gourd slaughter, now my day is ruined


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, haven’t you heard of immune debt

Me: Yeah, I was immunocompromised before I got COVID, now my immune system is even worse off

Stranger: What

Me: If I get it again I will probably have to file for immune bankruptcy

Stranger: What

Me: And my credit is already bad


Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you know you’re breathing your own carbon dioxide

Me: You mean as opposed to breathing everyone else’s? LOL, how primitive

Stranger: What

Me: Do you also have other people spit their saliva in your mouth when you eat?


Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1

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In good humor and solidarity,

Guiness Pig