#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 2
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you know about herd immunity
Me: Oh yes, I heard immunity from past infection & vaccines wanes within months
Stranger: Where’d you hear that from
Me: Would it make you feel better if I said some rando on YouTube
Stranger: Masks don’t work, bet you’re wearing one to annoy people for shits & giggles
Me: Actually, they work great for blocking strong smells like diarrhea
Stranger: What
Me: The new Covid variants are causing such bad gastrointestinal symptoms, it’s ALL shits and giggles…till someone giggles and shits
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My full HAZMAT suit is at the cleaners
Stranger: LOL what makes you think you need a HAZMAT suit
Me: For protection in an environment with a BSL-3 pathogen present
Stranger: Where would that be
Me: This grocery store
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (playing Sarah MacLachlan's 'Angel' on phone) For my rescue dog. He was neglected & abused before I adopted him.
Stranger: What
Me: (turning up volume) He’s already suffered enough, I refuse to bring Covid home and give it to thim
Stranger: LOL, all that for a dog
Me: (tearfully) You don’t understand, he rescued ME
Stranger: Nice mask dumbass, bet you got your microchip vaccine too didn’t ya
Me: Interesting you’d say that, I heard they aerosolized the microchips & they’re floating everywhere in the air now
Stranger: What
Stranger: (sarcastically) Nice mask, hot stuff, LOL
Me: Please stop fetishizing people who wear masks
Stranger: What
Me: I’m not judging you for being turned on
Stranger: What
Me: It’s a free country and you can have any kink you want, just don’t treat us like sexual objects please
Unmasked Healthcare Worker: Why you wearing a mask
Me: When the pandemic began, I watched a video from healthcare workers asking Americans to mask up. I was so moved I signed an online pledge saying I’d mask up till WHO declared the pandemic over.
Stranger: What
Me: (tearfully, clutching hand over heart)I keep my promises, so I’m doing it for you. Still.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Learning loss
Stranger: What
Me: I’m learning people like you have lost your fucking minds.
Stranger: What
Me: This mask is the only thing standing between me & a BSL-3 airborne pathogen. Take a moment & look that shit up. Educate yourself before vanity kills you.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Learning loss
Stranger: What
Me: Remember how we learned that Covid is dangerous & even if vaccinated you can still be disabled or die if you get it, but masking helps avoid infection
Stranger: (blank stare)
Me: Sorry about your learning loss
Stranger: Take off that stupid mask
Me: Well, our current public health approach is ‘you do you,’ so I’m doing me. If I unmask for your comfort, then I’m doing you too.
Stranger: What
Me: Why don’t we take turns? Here’s a spare mask, you can do me first, then I can do you, then we can do each other—
Stranger: Fuck off
Stranger: Hey numbnuts, why you wearing a mask
Me: Don’t want erectile dysfunction, lots of my friends are having issues with it since they had Covid
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah, their wives & girlfriends are really upset about it
Stranger: What
Me: They've all been coming to me for support, it’s so strange...
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a show of solidarity for all the brave bros at Burning Man. Their festival sucked and now they’re stranded in the desert.
Stranger: What
Me: If they cry, no one will hear them. So I mask to share their silence.
Stranger: Jesus, stop already
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: For the groundhog
Stranger: What
Me: That’s what I call my junk
Stranger: Why
Me: If I see its shadow I can predict what happens next. I'm not letting Covid take that away with the erectile dysfunction it causes. I want every day to be Groundhog Day!
Stranger in drugstore: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I accidentally swallowed my vape pen
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah they sent me home from work after I made the whole building smell like menthol & cotton candy just from exhailing around everyone
Stranger: What
Me: Hey do you know where the laxatives are
Stranger: Stupid sheep in a mask
Me: Thanks
Stranger: What
Me: For calling me a sheep, thank you! Sheep are intelligent, compassionate creatures who flock together to protect each other from threats. Humans are garbage compared to sheep.
Stranger: What
Me: Baa baa, biaaaatch
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, nobody else is
Me: It’s to protect you, I’m sorry so many others have given up on you
Stranger: Well it’s weird, maybe you should give up too
Me: (singing) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna—
Stranger: Fuck off
Me: LOL
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My job makes me, I’m in close contact with the public
Stranger: What do you do
Me: I’m in sales, do you know about vacation ownership
Stranger: What
Me: I bet you think you can’t afford to buy a timeshare, but I’m about to show you why you can’t afford NOT to buy a timeshare...
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: (doubling over and dry heaving)
Stranger: Never mind
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s not a mask, it's an N95
Stranger: Did you make that up? It sounds like a Star Wars character
Me: No
Stranger: You can just make shit up, it's a mask
Me: Ok my mask is to protect me from SARS
Stranger: What
Me: SARS is the 4th leading cause of death right now
Stranger: What
Me: Someone made up a name for it, it's Covid
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My teen son started using Axe body spray, my whole house reeks of it so this is to block the smell
Stranger: Well why you wearing it here
Me: He’s somewhere in the store too, I keep running away from him but he always manages to find me
Stranger: Hey asshole, why you wearing a mask
Me: It helps me meet people like you
Stranger: What
Me: I have a shaming fetish, it really excites me to be insulted
Stranger: What
Me: Hey could you please call me asshole again, but say it really slow... and look me in the eyes too
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Joined a frat
Stranger: Hazing?
Me: No hazing, it’s a business fraternity.
Stranger: What
Me: There are successful businesses owned by people too sick to keep running them so they’re selling them. I’m buying them up & staying healthy so I can make a shitload of cash.
Stranger: That's bullshit, I'm a business owner
Me: Here's my card, call me when you're ready to sell
Stranger: (warm & friendly) Hiii, I see you’re wearing a mask.
Me: Yes I am
Stranger: You know they're no longer required, right
Me: Yes I do
Stranger: I understand it’s hard for some folks to accept they don’t have to be worn anymore, but you can be free of that thing and get back to living a normal life. I’m here if you wanna talk.
Me: How ironic... I was going to say the same exact thing to you about your man bun.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My gold teeth, they make me a target for theft
Stranger: What
Me: Hey, you look familiar. Aren’t you the guy who chased me around Home Depot with pliers last week, trying to pull out my teeth?
Stranger: What, no
Me: Yes you are, don’t walk away, I’m calling the cops on your ass
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask, Covid is a hoax
Me: Where did you hear that
Stranger: YouTube
Me: Why you buying pizza, I thought only pedos eat pizza
Stranger: What, that's a hoax
Me: Can't be, I saw it on YouTube
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m waiting for the rapture
Stranger: What
Me: If I ascend into the sky, temps get colder the higher up I'd go, but this mask will keep my breath warm
Stranger: What if you're not raptured
Me: If I’m left behind, the air will be toxic because of all the end-of-time disasters and stuff, so I’m covered both ways
Stranger: You really think the end is near
Me: For those who aren't protecting themselves from airborne pathogens, it is
Stranger: (fake coughs upon seeing me in a mask)
Me: (fake coughs louder)
Stranger: (fake coughs even louder)
Me: (coughs 7 times to the tune of ‘Shave & a Haircut, 2 bits')
Stranger: (blank stare)
Me: I win, fuck you LOL
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: All ninjas wear masks
Stranger: LOL you wish
Me: No seriously, I’m training under a Shinobi Master & learning discipline by enduring discomfort
Stranger: Oh ok, masks are pretty uncomfortable
Me: I’m talking about you harassing me, asshole
Stranger: Take that stupid mask off
Me: Excuse me, are you demanding that I remove what I’m wearing
Stranger: Yeah take it off
Me: NO, I WILL NOT REMOVE WHAT I’M WEARING AND EXPOSE MYSELF TO YOU!
Stranger: What
Me: GET BACK, I DON’T KNOW YOU! NO MEANS NO!!!
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: For crop dusting
Stranger: Oh yeah that’s hazardous work, I see
Me: Why don’t you look up crop dusting on Urban Dictionary
Stranger: (looks on phone, looks up in horror)
Me: (crop dusts stranger while wheeling grocery cart away)
Stranger: (fake coughs loudly upon seeing me in a mask)
Me: Are you ok
Stranger: Yeah
Me: You should probably see a doctor for that fake cough
Stranger: What
Me: Faking symptoms of illness for attention could be a sign of Munchausen Syndrome, a serious psychological disorder
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: To prove that it’s possible to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time
Stranger: (blank stare)
Stranger: Hey dumbass, look around… you see anyone else in here masked
Me: No, just me
Stranger: Well how does that make your feel
Me: Sad and lonely, I really wish I could talk to my friends about it
Stranger: Why can't you
Me: They all jumped off a cliff together & I didn’t join them
Stranger: (sees me in a mask, fake coughs loudly)
Me: You should get that cough checked, that’s exactly how my neighbor sounded the other day
Stranger: LOL well we probably got the same mild cold, tell your neighbor I said get well soon
Me: I can’t
Stranger: Why
Me: He’s dead
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m practicing good hand hygiene, duh
Stranger: What
Me: I just washed my hands vigorously with soap & water for 20 seconds. They’ve never been cleaner.
Stranger: What
Me: If I breathe germs on them then what good is that going to do me? This is just basic science.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My partner & I are trying to conceive, going to the fertility doc today
Stranger: Healthcare settings don’t require masks anymore
Me: Yeah I know, I'm just dropping off some semen for testing
Stranger: Well where is it
Me: The mask is keeping it put till I get there
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Trust me, it’s for your benefit
Stranger: Why
Me: I just snorted bath salts & everyone’s face is looking all kinds of delicious right about now
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It says I have to in Leviticus 13:45: Anyone with such a defiling disease must wear torn clothes, let their hair be unkempt, cover the lower part of their face & cry out, 'Unclean!’
Stranger: What
Me: That's why my hair looks like shit too today, just so ya know
Stranger: What
Me: Unclean!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?
Me: To avoid COVID.
Stranger: It's time to get over COVID. There are bigger social issues that matter, like gun control. Do you realize you have a greater chance a witnessing a mass shooting than getting COVID today?
Me: Duh, of course. The mask is to block the gunpowder & smoke so I don't breathe it in.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, they don’t work
Me: So if you had surgery you wouldn’t want a masked surgeon
Stranger: That’s different, I wouldn't want anyone breathing germs onto my raw, exposed organs
Me: Like how you're inhaling germs into your raw, exposed lungs right now
Stranger: What
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m going to a costume party
Stranger: Oh… ok so what exactly are supposed to be
Me: A human being whose drive for self-preservation is still intact
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Wow that’s a really personal question, don’t you think we should get to know each other better first before we start asking questions like that
Stranger: What
Me: I’ll go first, what are your pronouns
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m trying to set a good example for our new CDC Director
#MaskUpMandy
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To block the smell of pumpkin spice, it’s everywhere
Stranger: Yeah I get it, it’s too sweet
Me: It’s not that, it’s the senseless violence against pumpkins this time of year that upsets me, I can’t handle the smell of death
Stranger: What
Me: It's barbaric, shame on you for making me talk about gourd slaughter, now my day is ruined
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, haven’t you heard of immune debt
Me: Yeah, I was immunocompromised before I got COVID, now my immune system is even worse off
Stranger: What
Me: If I get it again I will probably have to file for immune bankruptcy
Stranger: What
Me: And my credit is already bad
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you know you’re breathing your own carbon dioxide
Me: You mean as opposed to breathing everyone else’s? LOL, how primitive
Stranger: What
Me: Do you also have other people spit their saliva in your mouth when you eat?
Click here for #MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
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In good humor and solidarity,
Guiness Pig