#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because it’s easier than walking around with a bucket under my chin
Stranger: What
Me: I have a condition called Hypersalivation. Google it. I’ll wait.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s the law, this isn’t an open carry state
Stranger: What
Me: My mouth is a dangerous weapon. Once I start talking shit it always gets me in trouble. You might wanna back up for your safety, I got a lot on my mind & I’m ready to let it out.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Believe it or not, this is the mask I wore to my high school prom… and it still fits!!!
Stranger: What
Me: (showboating) oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah I still got it!!!
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To support the economy
Stranger: How
Me: Companies that make personal protective equipment aren’t selling as many masks these days. They’ve got bills to pay & families to feed so I’m supporting them & reminding others to do so too. It’s our duty.
***
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: In case there are any police in the area, I know I have to go in and talk to them eventually but I’m just not ready
Stranger: What
Me: Hey do you know what aisle they keep the bleach on
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Just got back from a medical mission trip
Stranger: Well thank you for doing the Lord’s work but you don’t have to wear that here
Me: Actually I do, it’s only the Lord’s work if I protect ALL of God’s children from what I was exposed to
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m exercising my 1st Amendment rights. Protest is a form of free speech & I’m protesting the govt’s mishandling of the pandemic. I have a lot to say but they want me to unmask & smile like a moron & pretend everything is ok!
Stranger: What
***
Stranger: Take off that mask & smile
Me: I’m not afraid of you
Stranger: What
Me: Smiling evolved from primates. Monkeys & apes would bare teeth to show submission to predators & more dominant peers who would demand it.
Stranger: I’m not a monkey
Me: Nah just a bully or a predator
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a condition of my parole, there was a tuberculosis outbreak at Central so they released some of us early
Stranger: WTF so they just let a bunch of you go
Me: Nah bro just those of us who tested positive
***
Stranger: Why you still wearing a mask, what are you clinging to
Me: I went through a divorce & this mask is the only thing I got in the settlement. My lawyer had to fight damn hard for it, so I’m not taking it off. If I do my ex might show up & try to take it.
Stranger: WTF
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: You ever watch Scooby Doo
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well I’m old man Jenkins, and no one is touching this fucking mask, you hear me? This time I WILL get away with it!
Stranger: What
Me: (creepy cartoon villain laugh)
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: For religious reasons
Stranger: What religious reasons
Me: My body is a temple and God dwells within me. I don’t want to give God Covid. He’d be pretty pissed.
***
Stranger in public restroom: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you washing your hands
Stranger: I just took a shit and want them to be clean, duh
Me: And I want to breathe clean air, do you know how much aerosolized feces is found in public restrooms
Stranger: (blank stare)
***
Stranger: Hey asshole, why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m trialing the new MaskCam respirator, it’s got a camera in it and I’m live streaming you in my face right now
Stranger: That’s a violation of my privacy
Me: So is you asking me why I’m wearing a mask
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a status symbol in my country… only the elite wear masks, while lower classes are seen as disposable and are expected to expose themselves to airborne pathogens
Stranger: What country are you from
Me: The United States of America
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: Why you wearing that outfit? Did someone tell you it looked good on you? I’m sure they meant well…
***
Stranger: Hey woke lefty, why you wearing that mask
Me: I don’t want people to think I’m rude so I’m trying to hide what happens to my face anytime someone mentions Trump. I just can’t stop laughing over him getting indicted again. AGAIN! That shit is hilarious! LOL LOL LOL
***
Stranger: LOL why you wearing a mask
Me: Shooting a hip hop video in the area, it’s part of our on-set safety protocol
Stranger: Oh cool, what song
Me: Gimme a beat
Stranger: (beatboxes)
Me: Why you gotta judge me for wearing a mask, mind ya damn business or I’ll kick yo ass
***
Stranger: Hey idiot, why you wearing a mask
Me: No autographs
Stranger: What
Me (on cell phone): Erica, tell my damn publicist to call me, the mask isn’t fooling anyone. I need a car out front before paparazzi show up. Oh & move tomorrow’s shoot elsewhere, the people here suck.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you watch the news? Covid is over.
Me: Don’t YOU watch the news? The govt released classified documents on UFOs & extraterrestrials. Aliens told us years ago that the air on earth is toxic & the only way we can survive is by filtering it.
***
Stranger: Hey asshole, masks scare people
Me: Aw, it’s ok to be scared. When we started masking a few years ago my toddler was confused & cried at first when he saw me masked, but quickly got over it & adapted. Maybe it would help you to have a good cry & let those emotions out?
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: My breath smells so bad. I just had an endoscopy & colonoscopy done. I think they may have cut corners & used the same tube for both. There’s a weird taste in my mouth since then, would you like to smell it and tell me what you think?
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that commie mask
Me: Because I love freedom! So the govt told us to unmask? Hell no, I will not comply! You have no idea how many of our forefathers fought & died for our right to make personal choices like this for ourselves. Resist govt overreach!
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: On the radio they said Covid is blowing up again, so they’re showing up in public daily & giving out cash prizes to people they spot in masks
Stranger: I’d wear one to win money
Me: Well masks are selling out but shhh… here’s a spare
***
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask, it’s unnatural
Me: So is your hairdo
Stranger: You’re scaring people
Me: So is your hairdo
Stranger: You need professional help
Me: So do you, there’s a Great Clips salon right around the corner and here’s a $3 coupon you can use
***
Stranger: Why the hell are you wearing a mask
Me: There once was an asshole who asked
“Why the hell are you wearing a mask?”
But the masker’s explanation
About self-preservation
Was more than his damaged brain could grasp.
*curtsey*
*middle finger*
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that stupid mask
Me: I have scurvy
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah it’s not just for pirates anymore
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I wanna be rich
Stranger: What
Me: I’m trying to manifest wealth by acting like I’m already wealthy. Did ya know billionaires never stopped masking & other precautions? They know better than to fuck with COVID. Google #DavosSafe. I’ll wait.
***
Stranger in pharmacy: Why you wearing a mask
Me: See the sign near the door saying you agree to be recorded if you enter? They own the footage and can do what they want with it. Like for instance put your face on a billboard for erectile dysfunction medication.
Stranger: What
***
Stranger in grocery store: Dumbass, why you wearing a mask
Me: How rude, I want to speak to your manager
Stranger: I don’t work here
Me: I want a manager, right now
Stranger: WTF
Me: Don’t you dare walk away from me, I’m from corporate and you’re in big trouble
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: My friends got me drunk on my birthday & I woke up with a tattoo on my upper lip. It’s shaped like a moustache & says “I eat ass” in Old English lettering. I’m scared I’m gonna lose my job.
Stranger: What do you do
Me: Youth pastor
***
Stranger: That mask won’t save you
Me: But I will be saved. I’m with the Fellowship of Many Crowns. Coronavirus is the Holy Spirit, sent to judge all. As leader I can’t receive the spirit until I spread the message. You ready to be judged? No? Maybe you should wear a mask too then.
***
Stranger: People need to see you smile but they can’t since you got your mouth covered up with that mask
Me: I’m saving it for marriage, please stop disrespecting my values
***
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m sensitive to strong smells. Last time I was here I got a whiff of raw seafood & projectile vomited in the lobster tank. It was awful, people were screaming, it was like that movie The Exorcist…
Stranger: Ok stop
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: A dating coach told me to because my facial features don’t align well with mainstream standards for attractiveness. This way people can focus on my personality.
Stranger: Oh
Me: Hey you seem nice, wanna go out sometime
****
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: Respiratory herpes
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah it’s not just for genitals anymore
***
Stranger: Hey dumbass, what’s with the mask
Me (tearfully): There’s a local child getting bullied by peers for masking. He’s severely ill. Other kids in his situation ask to go to Disney, but he went on the news &asked us all to wear masks so he’s not alone.
Stranger:(blank stare)
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s not a mask, it’s a N100 respirator. It filters viruses, bacteria, smoke, mold…
Stranger (scoffs &rolls eyes): LOL
Me:…and also asbestos
Stranger: Asbestos, wtf that shit can kill you
Me: Right?!!? Like why risk it?
***
Stranger: You dumbasses who wear masks are all the same, you’re going to wear them forever, aren’t ya
Me: Nah Boo just until we outlive those of you who refuse to
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a diaper on your face
Me: Why you wearing a diaper on your ass
Stranger: I’m not
Me: Prove it
Stranger: I don’t have to prove anything to you, what I wear is my business and has nothing to do with you
Me: Just like my mask, LOL
***
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask
Me: You’ve heard of the federal witness protection program, right?
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well then…you didn’t see me. Neither did anyone else in this grocery store. Nor did the store’s security cameras. This conversation never happened. *Wink*
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I went camping and got a botfly up my nose. They couldn’t get it out in urgent care so I’m seeing a surgeon, but I have to wear a mask till then. If I exhale botfly eggs into the air, other people could inhale them and wind up just like me.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My doctor put me on Metformin to see if it helps with my Long Covid. She said there might be GI side effects but OMG I cannot stop farting & it’s so foul I wear a mask to block the smell. Speaking of, you might want to step back like right now…
***
Stranger in grocery store: You freaks sure love masks
Me: I’m with Channel 6 News & we’re doing a hidden camera exposé on the harassment of people who mask in public. (Pressing imaginary earpiece) Need camera for an on-the-fly, & can I get a crew member to bring a release form?
***
Stranger: You look so stupid wearing a mask. Why do you do it?
Me: I’m actually participating in a behavioral psychology study about violence toward vulnerable adults in public settings. Thank you for your comment, and could you please share your zip code for study purposes?
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?
Me: The Lord appeared to me in a vision & told me to, & the reason why would be revealed at the end. Do you have a relationship with the Lord? I have some time now if you’d like to talk some more, or you can give me your number so I can call you.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: It’s court-ordered, I have anger management issues & got in trouble for biting some people
Stranger: Why did you bite people
Me: They were all up in my business & making fun of my hepatitis. Pray for me, I don’t want to go back to jail.
***
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m participating in a medical study
Stranger: Oh… ok.
You are too dude… you just don’t know it.
***
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask?
Me: Don’t want to get COVID.
Stranger: Healthcare workers don’t even wear them anymore. Until you see someone in scrubs wearing a mask, you don’t need to worry.
Me: (while shopping on my phone) Mmmkay, got it. Thanks.
***
Stranger: Covid is over
Me: So I’ve heard
Stranger: So why you wearing a mask
Me: Tuberculosis
Stranger: (Long pause, steps back): Well you shouldn’t be in public exposing others
Me: My mask protects you. Besides, tuberculosis is only a Biosafety Level-3 airborne pathogen, just like Covid.
Stranger: (Blank stare)