#MaskholeClapbacks Volume 1
These humorous comebacks are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, please don't engage with anyone who might put your safety at risk.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Because it’s easier than walking around with a bucket under my chin
Stranger: What
Me: I have a condition called Hypersalivation. Google it. I’ll wait.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s the law, this isn’t an open carry state
Stranger: What
Me: My mouth is a dangerous weapon. Once I start talking shit it always gets me in trouble. You might wanna back up for your safety, I got a lot on my mind & I’m ready to let it out.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Believe it or not, this is the mask I wore to my high school prom… and it still fits!!!
Stranger: What
Me: (showboating) oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah I still got it!!!
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: To support the economy
Stranger: How
Me: Companies that make personal protective equipment aren’t selling as many masks these days. They’ve got bills to pay & families to feed so I’m supporting them & reminding others to do so too. It’s our duty.
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Just got back from a medical mission trip
Stranger: Well thank you for doing the Lord’s work but you don’t have to wear that here
Me: Actually I do, it’s only the Lord’s work if I protect ALL of God’s children from what I was exposed to
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m exercising my 1st Amendment rights. Protest is a form of free speech & I’m protesting the govt’s mishandling of the pandemic. I have a lot to say but they want me to unmask & smile like a moron & pretend everything is ok!
Stranger: What
Stranger: Take off that mask & smile
Me: I’m not afraid of you
Stranger: What
Me: Smiling evolved from primates. Monkeys & apes would bare teeth to show submission to predators & more dominant peers who would demand it.
Stranger: I’m not a monkey
Me: Good, I was hoping things wouldn't have to escalate to throwing feces around
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a condition of my parole, there was a tuberculosis outbreak at Central so they released some of us early
Stranger: WTF so they just let a bunch of you go
Me: Nah just those of us who tested positive
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: You ever watch Scooby Doo
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well I’m old man Jenkins, and no one is touching this fucking mask, you hear me? This time I WILL get away with it!
Stranger: What
Me: (creepy cartoon villain laugh)
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: For religious reasons
Stranger: What religious reasons
Me: My body is a temple and God dwells within me. I don’t want to give God Covid. He’d be pissed, don't you think?
Stranger in public restroom: Why you wearing a mask
Me: Why you washing your hands
Stranger: I just took a shit and want them to be clean, duh
Me: And I want to breathe clean air, do you know how much aerosolized feces is found in public restrooms
Stranger: That's nasty
Me: So is breathing in literal shit, but you do you!
Stranger: Hey asshole, why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m trialing the new MaskCam respirator, it’s got a camera in it and I’m live streaming you in my face right now
Stranger: That’s a violation of my privacy
Me: So is you asking me why I’m wearing a mask
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: It’s a status symbol in my country… only the elite protect themselves from Covid while lower classes are seen as disposable and folks are expected to expose themselves regularly to airborne pathogens
Stranger: What country are you from
Me: The United States of America
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: Why you wearing that outfit? Did someone tell you it looked good on you? I’m sure they meant well…
Stranger: Hey jackass, why you wearing a mask
Me: No autographs
Stranger: What
Me (on imaginary phone call): The mask isn’t fooling anyone. I need a car out front before paparazzi show up. Oh & move tomorrow’s shoot elsewhere, the people here suck...
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask, don’t you watch the news? Covid is over.
Me: Don’t YOU watch the news? The government released classified documents on UFOs & extraterrestrials.
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah, aliens told us years ago that the air on earth is toxic & the only way we can survive is by filtering it.
Stranger: What
Me: You don't want to be sick if they abduct you, have you heard how they examine humans...
Stranger: Hey asshole, masks scare people
Me: Aw, it’s ok to be scared. When we started masking a few years ago my toddler was confused & cried at first when he saw me masked, but quickly got over it & adapted.
Stranger: What
Me: Maybe it would help you to have a good cry & let those emotions out?
Stranger: Why you wearing that commie mask
Me: Because I love freedom! So the government told us to unmask? Hell no, I will not comply! You have no idea how many of our forefathers fought & died for our right to make personal choices like this for ourselves.
Stranger: What
Me: Resist government overreach!
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask, it’s unnatural
Me: So is your hairdo
Stranger: You’re scaring people
Me: So is your hairdo
Stranger: You need professional help
Me: So do you, there’s a Great Clips salon right around the corner and here’s a $3 coupon you can use
Stranger: Why the hell are you wearing a mask
Me: There once was an asshole who asked
“Why the hell are you wearing a mask?”
But the masker’s explanation
About self-preservation
Was more than the asshole could grasp.
*curtsey*
*middle finger*
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I wanna be rich
Stranger: What
Me: I’m trying to manifest wealth by acting like I’m already wealthy.
Stranger: What
Me: Did ya know billionaires upgraded ventilation in their homes, schools, and offices? And many never stopped testing, masking & other precautions? They know better than to fuck with COVID. Google #DavosSafe. I’ll wait.
Stranger in pharmacy: Why you wearing a mask
Me: See the sign near the door saying you agree to be recorded if you enter? They own the footage and can do what they want with it.
Stranger: What
Me: Like for instance. put your face on a billboard for erectile dysfunction medication
Stranger in grocery store: Dumbass, why you wearing a mask
Me: How rude, I want to speak to your manager
Stranger: I don’t work here
Me: I want a manager, right now
Stranger: WTF
Me: Don’t you dare walk away from me, I’m from corporate and you’re in big trouble
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: My friends got me drunk on my birthday & I woke up with a tattoo on my upper lip.
Stranger: Lots of people have tattoos, why is it a big deal
Me: Well, it’s shaped like a moustache & says “I eat ass” in Old English lettering. I’m scared I’m gonna lose my job.
Stranger: What do you do
Me: I'm a youth pastor
Stranger: That mask won’t save you
Me: But I will be saved. I’m with the Fellowship of Many Crowns. Coronavirus is the Holy Spirit, sent to judge all. As leader I can’t receive the spirit until I spread the message. Are you ready to be judged?
Stranger: What? No
Me: Then maybe you should wear a mask too
Stranger: People need to see you smile but they can’t since you got your mouth covered up with that mask
Me: I’m saving it for marriage, please stop disrespecting my values
Stranger in grocery store: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m sensitive to strong smells. Last time I was here I got a whiff of raw seafood & projectile vomited in the lobster tank.
Stranger: What
Me: It was awful, people were screaming, it was like that movie The Exorcist…
Stranger: Ok stop
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: A dating coach told me to because my facial features don’t align very well with mainstream standards for attractiveness.
Stranger: What
Me: With the mask on, people can focus on my personality
Stranger: Oh I see
Me: You seem nice, wanna go out sometime
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: Respiratory herpes
Stranger: What
Me: Yeah it’s not just for genitals anymore
Stranger: You dumbasses who wear masks are all the same, you’re going to wear masks forever, aren’t ya
Me: Nah just until we outlive those of you who don't
Stranger: Why you wearing a diaper on your face
Me: Why you wearing a diaper on your ass
Stranger: I’m not
Me: Prove it
Stranger: I don’t have to prove anything to you, what I wear is my business and has nothing to do with you
Me: Just like my mask, LOL
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask
Me: You’ve heard of the federal witness protection program, right?
Stranger: Yeah
Me: Well then…you didn’t see me. Neither did anyone else in this grocery store. Nor did the store’s security cameras. This conversation never happened. *Wink*
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I went camping and got a botfly up my nose. They couldn’t get it out in urgent care so I’m seeing a surgeon, but I have to wear a mask till then.
Stranger: What
Me: If I exhale botfly eggs into the air, other people could inhale them. Would you like a mask?
Stranger: No
Me: Then at least let me give you the number for my surgeon for when you end up with a parasite in your sinuses too
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: My doctor put me on Metformin to see if it helps with my Long Covid. She said there might be GI side effects but OMG I cannot stop farting.
Stranger: What
Me: It's so foul I wear a mask to block the smell
Stranger: What
Me: Speaking of, you might want to take a few steps away from me right now
Stranger in grocery store: You freaks sure love masks
Me: I’m with Channel 6 News & we’re doing a hidden camera exposé on the harassment of people who mask in public
Stranger: What
Me: (speaking into imaginary microphone) Hey crew, need camera for an on-the-fly, got a live one
Stranger: You look so stupid wearing a mask. Why do you do it?
Me: I’m actually participating in a behavioral psychology study about violence toward vulnerable adults in public settings
Stranger: What
Me: Thank you for your comment, and could you please share your zip code for study purposes?
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask?
Me: The Lord appeared to me in a vision & told me to, & said the reason why would be revealed at the end. Do you have a relationship with the Lord?
Stranger: What
Me: I have some time now if you’d like to talk some more, or you can give me your number so I can call you later...
Stranger: Why you wearing that mask
Me: It’s court-ordered, I have anger management issues
Stranger: What exactly did you do
Me: I bit some people
Stranger: Why
Me: They were all up in my business & making fun of my hepatitis
Stranger: Why you wearing a mask
Me: I’m participating in a medical study
Stranger: Oh ok
Me: You are too, you just don’t know it
Stranger: Why are you wearing a mask?
Me: Don’t want to get COVID.
Stranger: Healthcare workers don’t even wear them anymore. Until you see someone in scrubs wearing a mask, you don’t need to worry.
Me: (while shopping on my phone) Mmmkay, got it. Thanks.
Stranger: Covid is over
Me: So I’ve heard
Stranger: So why you wearing a mask
Me: Tuberculosis
Stranger: (Long pause, steps back): Well you shouldn’t be in public exposing others
Me: My mask protects you. Besides, tuberculosis is only a Biosafety Level-3 airborne pathogen, just like Covid.
Stranger: (Blank stare)
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