Fool Me Once, Shame On You: Why Ignorance of Covid is a Dogshit Excuse
Hi friends,
Before we dive into this post, I also wanted to share this link to Wayside Episode 18 - Dive, just published today. I've heard from a few of you that emails with the full text of each episode were landing in junk and spam folders, so I'll just be sending links from this point forward. You can also find links to all episodes and a synopsis of the novel here.
And now... an essay for our times, about dogshit and denial and the evolutionary function of shame.
GP
Last year, one of our neighbors had a whirlwind romance. Her new boyfriend moved in a few weeks after they met, along with his two dogs. Day after day we’d see the two of them open the door of her apartment, let the dogs wander off leash, shit behind our apartment building, then wander back inside when they were done.
One day – as I always do – I took my own dogs out, leashed, with bags to pick up after them. My neighbor’s boyfriend let his dogs out, off-leash, at the same time. His dogs ran toward my dogs. A barking match ensued. My dogs lunged at them, spittle flying as if they were channeling Stephen King's Cujo, knocking me onto the ground. My knee was busted open. My shoes and clothes had dogshit all over them as I’d fallen into one of the many piles my neighbors had neglected to pick up. The live-in boyfriend heard the barking and rushed back outside to leash up his dogs. He fucking scoffed and sucked his teeth at me while I sat there on the ground with a bloody knee and his own dogs’ feces on my clothes and shoes. I was struggling to contain my own dogs, who were still barking and pulling on their leashes. I could have used a hand, but he disappeared to the other side of the building to let his dogs shit there, never once offering me any kind of help.
He made it crystal clear that I wasn’t his problem.
He told his girlfriend about the incident when she arrived home that day. She reached out to me – not to ask if I was okay – but to let me know she’d talk to him about keeping his dogs on the leash and picking up after them. She asked me if we could just keep it between us neighbors, as she hadn’t added her boyfriend and his dogs to the lease yet. She didn’t want to get in trouble and risk a lease violation.
I told her as long as they would leash the dogs and pick up after them from that point forward, I’d let it slide.
She swore she did leash the dogs and pick up after them. Swore it was just him slacking off, but she'd totally talk to him and set him straight.
I told her I worked from home and my desk was near a window that allowed me to see everyone coming and going behind our apartment, all day long, and I’d seen both of them let the dogs run loose and not pick up after them.
It took her a minute to come up with a response. “Well, I didn’t know about the leash requirement and didn't know we were supposed to pick up after them.”
Alrighty.
So even though she’d acknoweldged wrongdoing just seconds earlier and tried to pin the whole thing on her boyfriend, now she was pleading ignorance.
Even though she knew she was supposed to declare the dogs on her lease, sign a pet ownership agreement, and pay fees each month, which cover the costs of the dog poop bags and waste receptacle stations that are literally all over the complex, with signs clearly stating that residents are required to pick up after their pets. She couldn't have missed those.
She knew better. She knew I knew that she knew better.
She knew she and her boyfriend had behaved like a couple of irresponsible assholes and had caused harm.
She just didn’t want to be held responsible. She didn't want to feel shame.
“No, really, I swear I didn’t know. I haven’t had dogs in years so I just didn’t think about stuff like this. I thought my boyfriend would take responsibility for them. I didn’t know he was expecting me to take care of them too. And one of the dogs is old and is going to have to be put to sleep soon so we’re just really sad about it so we didn’t take the time to look up the pet rules and all at this complex…”
She had excuse after excuse to support her claim of ignorance.
All of it was bullshit.
Or rather, dogshit.
I felt sure that after this whole thing happened, she would have learned her lesson.
Next morning I woke up to find her boyfriend’s dogs behind my apartment, running off leash and shitting on the ground with no human around to pick it up.
She didn’t know, my ass.
The couple broke up shortly after that. The boyfriend and his dogs moved out, essentially solving the problem.
For a little while.
Since then she’s dated other people who have brought their dogs over and occasionally, her parents visit and let their dog run free. We never know when that will be, so we know we can expect to encounter unleashed dogs at any moment. We stay on shit watch at all time when walking around the property. We shouldn’t have to, but that’s the reality of existing around people who refuse to take responsibility for others.
We complained to our leasing office at one point. They contacted her about it. She made a retalitory complaint and insisted we were the ones letting our dogs run off leash and weren’t picking up after them, so we got a formal letter warning us that we were risking a lease violation if we didn’t comply with the pet agreement. In our defense, I sent a strongly worded letter back and included screenshots and text exchanges with said neighbor and videos captured by our Blink camera.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to find that our leasing office didn’t give a shit. "When we receive a complaint about a resident, it’s our responsibility to make the resident aware," they replied. "All residents with pets are responsible for complying with the pet agreement, so please be a good neighbor and help us keep our community clean and safe.”
Cool. Lesson learned. Nobody was going to take responsibility. Not our neighbors. Not even the landlords, who you’d think would have a vested interest in keeping their own property safe and clean. What a rude awakening to discover that no, really, they didn't care.
So now, we look both ways before we step outside to see if any dogs are wandering off leash, and sometimes we have to wait until they’re contained again before we can go out. We’ve invested in new leashes and harnesses to help us better control our dogs if other dogs approach them. We pick up abandoned piles of dogshit left by our neighbor’s visitors’ dogs, knowing she’ll never do it.
It isn’t fair that we have to bear this burden, but no one else is going to take responsibility for keeping us safe. We are on our own. We’ve adapted out of necessity.
Sound familiar?
Now imagine this: You’re out in public wearing an N95. A stranger gives you an odd look and asks “why are you wearing a mask?”
Your response is something along the lines of “I’m trying to avoid getting or spreading Covid” or “because Covid is still disabling and killing countless numbers of people and every single one of us is vulnerable.”
You mention the C-word, and you can tell it wasn’t the answer they wanted to hear.
You were supposed to say “because I’m immunocompromised” or “I’m a caregiver for someone with cancer” or “I’m just being cautious.” Anything along those lines would have been an acceptable answer. You’re supposed to respond in a way that suggests masking is entirely for your benefit. That way, your masking isn’t about anyone else and they don’t have to feel bad about not wearing one.
You know, personal responsibility.
You fucked all that up when you brought up the word ‘Covid.’
Wrong answer. You can see their pupils dilate. They might literally take a step back. You’ve put a burden on them, without even saying a word. Now an unspoken question for the stranger hangs heavy in the air between you:
Why aren’t you wearing a mask?
They’re quick to defend themselves with a response like “Oh, I didn’t know Covid was still around.” Or “I thought Covid/the pandemic was over.”
Or maybe even “I thought Covid was mild now” or “I thought masks didn’t work against Covid.”
You’ve probably heard it all.
I ran a poll about this very scenario on X recently. Considering how much suppression Covid-Conscious accounts are under these days, I was grateful to get 81 responses. Respondents were people who've been asked by a stranger why they're masking in public. Once they mentioned Covid in their answer, 86.4% of respondents indicated the stranger declared to them they didn't know Covid was still a threat.
I didn’t know.
To be fair, I believe some people are speaking the truth, and genuinely aren’t aware that Covid remains a threat. Some folks have memory issues. Others are socially isolated. Some have embraced willful ignorance and have literally put their hands over their ears any time Covid is mentioned so they can’t be held accountable for knowing better.
But an awful lot of people are full of shit when they say I didn’t know.
It has dawned on me lately that many people aren’t as ignorant as they pretend to be.
They’re ashamed.
There’s an easy way to tell if you’re dealing with ignorance or shame. The next time someone asks you why you’re wearing a mask, mention Covid. If they give you some variation of “I didn’t know it was still a problem,” offer them a mask.
And tell them this: “I’m sorry you didn’t know. But now that you know, you’ll wear a mask, right?”
Some of them might humor you and say “oh, sure, of course.” But once you hand them a mask, they put it in their pocket and walk away.
That doesn’t count.
I know because I’ve tried this with strangers, giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’ve handed masks to people in the grocery store and drugstore after they’ve told me they didn’t know Covid was still around, still causing disability and death. I’ve watched them slide the mask into their purse or pocket, when the whole point of handing it to them was to give them an opportunity to align their behavior with the new information they’d just learned and mask up in the moment. But they don’t. And when I’ve run into those same strangers again in the grocery store or drugstore a short while later, they’re still unmasked.
The sight of you in front of them with a mask on your face isn’t upsetting because you’ve just informed them that Covid remains a threat to health and life, and bless their hearts, they weren’t aware.
It’s not because they didn’t know.
It’s because they’re ashamed.
They should be.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know Covid hasn’t gone away. You can’t walk into a drugstore or major grocery store chain with an in-house pharmacy, and not see signage throughout the store about Covid vaccines. You can’t go to a doctor’s appointment without being asked if you’ve had a Covid vaccine recently. And if you’re in the U.S., you can’t possibly have missed out on the recent news that our new Secretary of Health and Human Services has moved to discontinue access to Covid vaccines for most Americans. There’s been a huge outcry from the public about it. Thankfully, the media has not been shy about reporting on it.
You can’t walk into Walmart or Target without seeing an aisle dedicated to Covid rapid tests and disposable masks, usually across from a near-empty aisle where cold and flu medication should be.
You can’t turn your TV on without seeing commercials for Paxlovid.
You can’t go to work without looking around and noticing there are more people sick and absent than ever before. It isn’t always attributed to Covid, but every now and then, someone is bold enough to say the C-word out loud. Quite often, it’s a high-risk employee who has to remind everyone the reason they’re not coming to in-person meetings and dinners and office parties is because their life depends on avoiding a Covid infection.
And in spite of all that mainstream media has done to minimize Covid, you’ll still see news segments and articles on it when hospitals are filling up, with messaging that encourages people to get vaccinated and consider putting off elective surgeries.
Last year when my spouse and I got our boosters, the pharmacist looked nervous as he steered us into the small room where they administer vaccines. He asked why we were wearing masks, and followed it up with a question directed at me.
“Why are you breathing so heavy?”
I told him we were trying to avoid repeat Covid infections. Then I explained I was breathing heavy because I had lung disease prior to getting Covid, so my lung capacity was already diminished. Having a diminished lung capacity makes it hard to breathe with an obstructed airway. A mask is an obstruction. It creates resistance. For a person with normal lung capacity, that resistance is miniscule. Their lungs don’t have to work as hard to overcome it. For people with lung disease and diminished lung capacity, that tiny bit of resistance is tougher to deal with. It means we have to work harder to move air. That taxes both the lungs and the heart, especially when you combine it with exertion, like walking across a parking lot and all the way through a retail store to get to the pharmacy in the back corner.
Which begged the question, why would I wear a mask if it made it that hard for me to breathe?
Because it was better than getting infected with SARS-CoV-2 again, which further diminishes lung capacity.
And because I didn’t have a goddamn choice.
For me, it was mask and endure the stress it causes my body, or allow myself to be exposed to Covid again, get infected, and hasten the arrival of the grim reaper at my doorstep. It wasn’t a tough decision. It would have been a much different story if everyone else was masked indoors for source control, but that was never going to happen.
With a lot more tact and far less profanity, I unloaded all of this on the pharmacist, while he was digging aimlessly through all the little plastic bins in the room, unable to find whatever he was looking for.
“Well… I hear you. My goodness, I thought Covid was over,” he told me. Followed by “I need to step out for a second and find something. Sorry, I don’t normally work at this store. I’m covering for the regular pharmacist, who’s out with Covid. Once I find what I need, I’ll be right back in to give you your Covid boosters.” Then he opened the door and grabbed a box of alcohol wipes from the display right across from the pharmacy, just underneath a shelf of RATs and disposable masks.
The hypocrisy of it was astounding.
Julia Doubleday’s article Beyond All Reason explores how people with Long Covid are burdened with the full responsibility of protecting themselves from repeat infections. The entire piece is well-written and calls out the cruelty of one-way masking as the sole mitigation available for vulnerable and high-risk people to protect themselves, but reading this section in particular hit me like a punch in the gut:
“Why not recognize: wow! What a difficult reality we’re creating for anyone who’s been harmed by the virus. That could be me next, since I’m getting reinfected in these bi-annual waves. Instead of complaining that disabled people are asking me to participate in normalizing COVID mitigations, why don’t I acknowledge the absurdity and severity and difficulty of this situation? Why don’t I participate in changing the culture before it’s my turn to suffer as others ignore me?
Yes, it is difficult. It is burdensome. You could call it unreasonable! But when you shrug off the difficulty and burden of practicing COVID safety in the current climate, you are casting that burden onto the shoulders of those who are already carrying more than you are. Who can afford infections less than you can. Who in many cases have fewer resources than you do and almost certainly have fewer safe social outlets than you will.”
Something about it made me feel shame vicariously, on behalf of all those who can’t be bothered to care.
It made me wonder how liberals and leftists can be moved to march in protests, make generous donations to social justice causes, and even boldly intervene when their neighbors are being dragged away by strangers in balaclavas, yet can’t be bothered to wear a respirator to protect others in public.
It made me wonder how conservatives and patriots can claim to value freedom for all, yet don’t mind that vulnerable people are largely isolated away from participating in public life when the air isn’t safe for anyone to breathe in public. My own conservative family members proudly state that they’d gladly die to defend their country, their principles, and their way of life, but can’t be bothered to wear a mask in public to keep others from having to die against their will.
Kind of like parents who will tell you they love their children so much they’d die for them; yet they won’t consider embracing masking to protect their entire families – much less themselves – so they can continue living for them.
It made me think about how Christians can read the verse “And the King will answer them, truly I tell you, what you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40) and not even consider masking to protect the vulnerable as an act of devotion to their own Christ.
It baffled me to think about how healthcare professionals – namely physicians – complete rigorous degree programs and participate in continuing education to stay abreast of new information, arming themselves with an in-depth understanding of pathogens, the science of airborne transmission, and the gamut of serious health problems viruses are known to cause. Then they go to work in places where patient safety is supposed to be top priority. But before they can actually begin to practice medicine, they must take an oath to do no harm. In spite of that, they can’t be bothered to mask to keep patients safe.
I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. In the foundations of all of these identities people hold, there are moral imperatives to protect and care for others. Yet as a society, we’re living in direct contradiction to what morality calls upon us to do at this moment in time.
I’m beginning to wonder if it’s part of what’s wrong with a lot of folks who claim they’re living their best lives, but something still feels ‘off.’ Maybe they’re violating the moral code of their faith or their political identity or their profession. Maybe they’re struggling to find their own humanity after they unmasked, then threw their moral compass into the driveway and backed up over it a few times.
Maybe that disconnect between morality and behavior is causing such a severe, collective state of cognitive dissonance, people are genuinely ashamed of themselves. Perhaps deep down, they know it’s hurting all of us.
And maybe that’s a good thing.
In the article ‘Your Brain on Guilt and Shame,’ author Eve Glicksman writes:
“Sznycer’s research suggests that guilt and shame serve an important, adaptive function important for human survival… Shame and guilt are functionally designed to protect us against harming those who are dear to us, and to make us behave better in the future. In foraging societies, people had to rely on each other to survive disease, predators, and scarce resources. Not being liked could be a death sentence because no one would watch out for your welfare or share with you. Guilt can make us kinder and more giving. Imposing costs on those people who care about your well-being… is indirectly costly for the individual herself. The guilt system is designed to detect the imposition of this harm, to stop it, and to take corrective action. Likewise, shame alerts us when we act in ways that may cause others to devalue us and not come to our aid. So, natural selection favors those who feel guilt and shame.”
When Covid comes up in public, and people tell me “I didn’t know,” what I actually hear now is “the sight of you in a mask makes me so ashamed that I’m not masking too, I need for you to think it’s because I didn’t know better. Please don’t hold me responsible because I need to believe I’m a good person who doesn’t harm others.”
It’s kind of funny, in fact, how so many of the arguments that follow “I didn’t know” can actually be torn apart by the individual’s own personal experiences, as well as our shared experiences from earlier in the pandemic. For instance:
Stranger: I thought vaccines were all we needed to stop Covid.
Me: Have you had a vaccine lately?
Stranger: Yes, I always get boosted when it’s time.
Me: And have you had Covid after getting boosted?
Stranger: Yes.
Me: And did anyone in your household or workplace also get Covid immediately before or after your infection?
Stranger: Yes.
Me: And was it mild?
Stranger: (pupils dilate)
Stranger: I thought Covid was over. I didn’t know it was still around.
Me: You may not hear much talk about Covid, but I’m sure you’ve heard about vaccines recently, haven’t you?
Stranger: Yes.
Me: If Covid were eradicated, we wouldn’t still need to vaccinate against it. It’s still around and you can actually get an idea of how much of the virus is circulating in the nation as well as your state, and maybe even your local community on a wastewater data tracking website. Would you like the link to the website where you can see for yourself?
Stranger: (eyes glaze over)
Stranger: I thought masks didn’t work
Me: Remember how we all wore masks back in 2020 and 2021 when there were mandates, right?
Stranger: Yes
Me: And did most people you know get Covid back then, when everyone was still masking in public?
Stranger: No
Me: That’s because masking works. Look at how well it worked for healthcare professionals in hospitals. They wore N95s when their units were full of Covid positive patients and morgue trucks were lined up to receive the bodies. Yet those same healthcare professionals were able to stay safe and avoid infection because their PPE worked so well! And remember how kids wore masks in schools throughout 2020 and 2021? Most kids were just wearing cloth masks or surgical masks, but when everyone wore them consistently in class, even non-respirator masks worked well enough to contain Covid in schools! They weren’t constantly short-staffed and weren’t having to close temporarily throughout the school year, like they do now. They were still hitting attendance targets, too, because teachers, staff, and children weren’t constantly sick. And hey, you know what? We even eliminated an entire strain of flu in 2020 because masking worked so well for everyone. There are more than 400 peer-reviewed scientific studies that show N95 or better respirators provide nearly perfect protection from Covid. Would you like a link to the studies?
Stranger: (blank stare)…. No hablo inglés
There’s a comedy series you should check out if you haven’t seen it yet. Brain Dead is a 13-episode series about a parasite that invades the brains of politicians (both sides) in Washington DC, turning them all into hyper-partisan extremists. Those infected don’t fight the parasite. They welcome it. Nurture it. Find it new hosts. They delight in the chaos and harm they actively cause with the parasite pulling the strings behind the scenes. Hoping to turn the tides, the sister of a Democrat Senator and the aide of a Republican Senator team up in an effort to kill off the parasites and save the world.
There is a happy ending, but if you don’t want spoilers, scroll past the paragraph below.
***SPOILER ALERT***
After multiple attempts at trying to find a way to rid infected loved ones of the parasite, the heroes stumble upon something that actually works.
SHAME.
They shame the infected people over the terrible things they’ve done and the harm they’ve caused to others. The shame they feel makes their brains so inhospitable to the parasite, it can no longer survive there. It leaves the infected victims, who quickly return to their normal selves.
***END SPOILER ALERT***
I am convinced that people are silently struggling with shame over the abandonment of masking, and that it most often manifests as individuals claiming ignorance to reality in the face of a masked person standing before them.
Shame can become harmful if people internalize it. It can become even more damaging if people actively choose to deny or ignore it, which is why we can’t let those who feel shame off the hook. Especially when they know exactly what they need to do to free themselves from that shame.
It’s not that hard.
Pick up the dogshit.
Stop lying. Stop making excuses. Stop living in a way that violates your own morality and the moral code of the identities and communities you represent.
Be an ally to the marginalized and vulnerable. Be a good American who protects the freedom of all. Be a Christian who walks the talk. Be someone who puts the safety of your family and community above your own comfort.
Wear a mask.
That’s it. That’s the cure for shame.
And you, Covid-Conscious comrade? When you’re out and about in public, don’t ever apologize for wearing a mask. Don’t cower in corners, hoping to go unnoticed. Don't let anyone pressure you into unmasking for a picture. Don’t avoid making eye contact with people who are giving you weird looks.
Don’t feel their shame and mistake it for your own.
Hold your head up high and look them in the eye.
Then when they ask you why you’re wearing a mask, tell them exactly what they need to hear.
“Because Covid is an airborne virus that is still disabling and killing people. Because N95 or better respirators work exceptionally well at breaking chains of transmission. And because it’s well within my control to limit harm to others simply by masking in public, I’d be ashamed not to.”
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